


Violet boy

by AbelsGrave



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Complicated Relationships, Long Shot, M/M, No like for real it's just: Complicated, Past Rape/Non-con, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, but i want you to be warned that it is implied that something happened in the past, changgu and hongseok as brothers, established relationship Hui/Hyojong, it is only implied, meaning that i DO NOT talk about the moment it happened but about feelings and emotions, reading needs to be a safe experience!!, yuto is super whipped dot com
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-04 16:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15844926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbelsGrave/pseuds/AbelsGrave
Summary: In which Yuto meets a boy wearing cute overalls with violet flowers on them, and funny enough, nothing indicates that he should forget that.





	Violet boy

**Author's Note:**

> y'all ever write something straight to the point/something that makes sense just to flex on me?  
> i wanted to write a college au and i mean i did but like, i was going for a simple, short au but here we are... i hope it is worth reading.  
> thank you if you're giving it a chance.
> 
> PS: english isn't my first language and i apologize for any mistakes.
> 
> ♡

After spending an entire night reciting notes to himself, punctuated by various curses in every language he still knew past three in the morning – which meant: none - for a two hour exam that left him with the bitter taste of defeat, the idea of going to work crushed every fiber of his being but duties were duties. Yuto had some sleep in him, about four hours and it was both too much and not enough. It was all thanks to his roommate who, at around five, barged into his room, tall and menacing, harsh words in Mandarin in his mouth – after knowing Yanan for almost three years and living with him for an entire one, his ears sharpened to the many tunes of his emotions. 

“So, how did it go kid?" 

Yuto whipped his head to Hyojong walking in the staff room with a bag of m&m’s in hands. He shrugged.

“Well, considering that I could have studied less for the same results...” 

“God, I knew your pessimistic ass would say that so here, have that,” plopping down next to him on the couch, Hyojong offered him the bag of candy. “Cheer up! At least, this place will hire you full time if college doesn’t work out.” 

“No offense , but I’d rather die.” Yuto said before taking a sip of his lukewarm coke that he hoped would keep him energized and fully alert until he could find his way back to his bed. 

“None taken,” Hyojong hands were already diving in the bag. 

He gave a handful to Yuto and indulged in it himself. Blond hair fell into his friends’ eyes and he looked at him blow on it absentmindedly. He made a mental note that he had never seen Hyojong with hair darker than a soft brown and he was wondering how committed to bleaching his hair Hyojong could be. But then fashion and beauty were life commitments his friend would say. 

“How many left?” 

Yuto snapped out of his haze. “What?” 

“Exams,” Hyojong said. He was chewing loudly, mainly to annoy him but both knew that it wouldn’t work on him. It was worth the try. 

“Oh yeah,” he lifted a finger. “One more on friday morning and then I’m done.”

Hyojong nodded. “Okay, well, do you want me to switch you with someone so you can go back to sleep right after? I don’t want you to cry over broken handlers again.”

 “Hey, that happened once, one whole year ago, and I had the flu and was homesick.” 

That made his friend laugh - it was not a mean laugh, it never was with Hyojong. “Yeah, cutie pie was missing his mom’s soup.” 

Shoving his friend gently, he tried hard to bite on his own laughter. "Quit being insensitive. And for your information, my mom does make a very good one that could cure your mean black heart.” 

Someone opened a door somewhere, and they made them check the mural clock. Yuto’s shift started in a few minutes, at the same time Hyojong’s break was over.

“It’s time, my baby.” 

This was probably stupid, and the lack of sleep and food in his stomach surely played a part, but Hyojong’s pet name gave him a little bit of courage. Quickly getting up to his feet, he extended a hand to his friend who took it with a gracious smile. 

“Try not to fall asleep anywhere please, ‘kay?” 

Yuto put another m&m’s in his mouth and toss one at him. 

“That’s a hard promise to make but I’ll try.” 

The promise was kept but Hyojong felt for him enough to release him fifteen minutes early. Getting out from the store, he found an apologetic Yanan waiting for him with iced coffee and a muffin. Yuto was positively sure he could run a marathon from the amount of sugar and caffeine in his system, but he accepted the presents more than willingly.

“You were so confused. I thought I had broken you down for a second.” 

That was him not apologizing for the words in themselves because both of them knew Yuto hadn't and would probably never have any idea of what they had meant. 

The day took a toll on him; clients flooded in, making it almost impossible for Yuto to have a minute to himself. At least, it kept his mind busy. The first floor manager, Hyuna, who was often mistaken for the real store director, once told him that he was a valuable member to the team - which surprised a lot of people in the store but not his friends. One of his classmates, Wooseok, whom he quickly befriended over a group project, told him that they were hiring.  Yuto’s shyness got him a few questions during his interview with higher ups, but Hyuna had shown interest, full attention on him. Later, she told him the exact words she had spoken to Junseo. 

“He’s really patient. Clients will gravitate towards him and it’s going to be hard for him, but he listens and doesn’t get angry easily.” 

She was right. People did like him, and honestly, he didn’t really have any reasons to hate them - unless they were especially rude but even then, it was hard to hate. Sometimes it was draining, but he sold things and it made his bosses happy enough to keep him around. He was able to pay his share of the rent so all was good.

College life in another country wasn’t the easiest thing to get used to but he did. The only thing he never fully adjusted to was living in dorms: too many kids to share things with, a constant buzzing and a terrible lack of privacy. So when Yanan asked him if he wanted to live with him, it was liberating. They saw each other for the first time when Yuto came to start college. Leaving Japan had been a strange relief - not a complete one because with that came some sort of guilt, an inexplicable discomfort lodged in his lungs and back and mind. The plane landed in the very first hour of a vigorous rainy day and he tasted the very fresh drops of it when he found himself running after a bus he almost missed. A groaning bus driver greeted him before pressing on the pedal with all their might - and perhaps as a punishment. He almost fell right there and then on a drowsy Yanan - it was the only place left in the crowded vehicle. There was no first meeting here. Only two strangers that saw each other for the first time but didn’t found each other.  
He encountered Yanan a second time, somewhere in march, or at least during the very first few months of his first semester. It was well known that the medical library was the most peaceful one, and that’s where he and Yanan shared a small table at the very back, hidden from most. They recognized each other, but that was about it. Schedules were learnt unknowingly, and it was established in an unspoken agreement that they would save seats for each other. In the name of students solidarity, perhaps.  
Exam season had left him beaten, so when Yuto was done with them, he decided to go to that party that his then classmate, Wooseok, threw. He wasn’t a big drinker, and neither was Yanan. That’s where they met; Yanan, dragged by his dorm mate Shinwon, sitting on the countertop of that extremely tiny kitchen that probably fit half of Wooseok’s limbs, had waved shyly from afar and it felt like an invitation that Yuto accepted with a bit of fright - but not enough to run away. Befriending Yanan had taken time, and in all honesty, Yuto was difficult as well; it was like opening a door to a very dark room and sitting there together for awhile until they both agreed to switch on the lights. Overtime, they did and they liked what they saw.

“Weren’t you supposed to study?” Yuto asked, voice muffled by  his teeth halfway sinked into the muffin.

Yanan acquiesced while gesturing for him to wipe the corner of his mouth. His eyes fell briefly on the cup of coffee in Yuto’s hands before settling back again on the busy streets around them.

"I needed to get out of the library a little bit.”

They sat next to each other on the bus - they loved it better than the subway. Eyes trained on the life outside of the vehicle, they eased themselves into their very own familiar silence, Yuto letting himself feel the nice cooling of the coffee and Yanan’s head on his shoulder. Their bus stop was on the opposite side road of the coffeeshop where Yanan bought his apology coffee. Through the window, a familiar face was cleaning the tables, bright smile directed at new customers. Yuto looked at the now almost empty cup in his hands and suppressed a smile. It was useless, though, because Yanan knew him too much - or truly was the angel that Yuto thought he was the first time he saw him, meaning that this terrifying being could hear thoughts and the distinct sound of a smile - and sure enough, the man pinched his arm just as he was getting off the bus.

“Fuck off, Yuto.”

Rubbing his arm, Yuto scoffed. The bus drove away.

“What did I even do?”

“Your silence speaks volume, you gigantic, stupid, japanese emo.”

“You’re using that many adjectives to hurt me? Tragic.” Yuto sighed before getting pinched again. “Are you hurting me on purpose so you can have an excuse to buy more coffees because I...Ouch, what the hell!”

He threw a glance at the store quickly before turning back to his friend who was already ahead of him - damn him and his longer legs, not that Yuto’s weren’t particularly long either but still.

“That kind of explained why the ice was so melted.”

Yanan gave him a sharp look.

“I wanted to do something nice. You had a rough day.”

“Yeah, but you also wanted to see someone nice,” Yuto thought with a small smile. “If you’re thinking about murder, please, remember that you need me to pay rent. I mean, that’s not completely true, but at least someone does your laundry.”

This was enough to crack a smile on Yanan but his friend’s eyes turned a glossy color of sadness and Yuto took his hands.

“Hey, thanks for the coffee.”

“And muffin,” Yanan added, offended.

They entered the campus gates in silence, heading straight to the library. His mind went to more trivial things: they needed to do groceries, unless one of them wanted to live off of probably expired yogurts, leftover cheesecake and eventually, dusty air. Summer break was almost there, its rays of sunshine stronger on their still covered arms, winds making themselves rarer. They also needed to call their landlord about the air conditioning system not working anymore, because he was not going to survive the heat otherwise. He also wished companies would start replying to him - he needed an internship as soon as possible.

Yanan’s voice interrupted his daily check of his mental to-do list, like an echo of a thought that escaped through every high wall of a shy mind.

“I’m just so terrified of fucking up, Yuto.”

The malign anxiety straining his friend’s voice made him stop walking. A group of students that were walking behind them huffed in unison and he shot them an apologetic smile.

“Hey, why are you saying that?”

“Changgu is a very sweet and genuine guy.”

He blinked. “Yeah, I hope so or else I would have to get involved.”

Shaking his head, Yanan let out a sigh and walked again.

“We went into this as fuck buddies and I wasn’t supposed to catch feelings. Like fuck, maybe an STD or something, but not that.”

“Is this some dumb med student joke because honestly, one, it’s not funny, two, you’re not one,” Yuto paused, trying to read Yanan’s expression as if the sunlight could bring every detail out. “Who are you? Mister dodge feelings?”

“I specifically told him that I was just there for a good fuck once in awhile, Yuto.”

A few weeks before hooking up with Changgu at a party Wooseok dragged them to, Yanan  had just been broken up with a girl whose name he couldn’t remember for the life of him. All was left of her in Yuto’s mind was the smell of cigarettes and a terrible habit of never closing the damn door on his way out.

“Come on, you’ll survive your crush on Changgu just like you survived breaking up with cigarette girl.”

“But I didn’t love cigarette girl.” Yanan stated curtly.

“What do you mean, you didn’t like her, you were pretty mad when she ended things,” Yuto started before the last part of his friend’s sentence hit him. “Wait what you’re talking about love? Like, love? Love, l-o-v-e?”

His rambling made him earn a hard squeeze on his poor hand.

“Hey! I need my hands to work.”

Yanan’s hair was only but a white cloud in the soft blue sky above their head. His very red ears told him that he was angry and embarrassed; not at him. Standing in the middle of the road, they faced each other, avoiding eyes. Leaving enough time for Yanan to fight the quivering voice and eyes without the pressure of a gaze, Yuto offered him the comfort of his arms.

 

Summer break meant that Yuto worked extra hours. It kept him busy enough not to think about unpleasant things, such as his future grades or the disappointment in his mother’s voice, tight and airy, over the phone when he announced he wasn't coming back this summer break, again. It was hard, every time, because his mother thought something was wrong for him not to hop on a flight and get back home whenever he could. Perhaps something was wrong for him to be adamant in making his own money and be as independent as possible. Studying abroad and breaking his parents’ heart in the process had been his own idea and he couldn’t bring himself to pour even more salt in their wounds by asking them to spend more money than they already were. Saving up to buy his own plane tickets was his yearly mission; the season of his visits was winter and winter only. At least, he spent his birthdays with his family and that was some comfort to them.  
Today had been a rather calm one, which he was thankful for. The previous day, he saw more clothes on the floor than nicely displayed. It also meant that since their floor wasn’t much of a mess, the morning shift wouldn’t suffer.  The music Hyojong was blasting helped making the cleaning process go faster.

“These are cute,” Hyojong exclaimed.

Yuto whipped his head towards his friend who was cleaning the last two horses from the fitting rooms. Waving a pair of true denim overalls he had in hands, Hyojong seemed to wait for his approval.

“I could never wear these, but they’re cute yes.”

Hyojong smiled. “If only you’d let me dress you, just once. I would make a god out of you.”

Folding the last pair of jeans on the table, and aligning it with the others perfectly, uto laughed. “Sure."

His watch indicated that he had twenty minutes left to clean as much as he could. So he moved to the last quarter. He was exhausted and couldn’t wait to get home, crawl on his bed and maybe fall asleep right there - he would eat and wash up in the morning. Yanan had sent him a text earlier, announcing that he would sleep over at Changgu’s - to which Yuto replied with his last meme acquisition that said  _condoms don’t protect hearts_ , and he was pretty sure Yanan had blocked his number for the night after that. It happened often.

“For real though, Yuto, your body proportions are insane. Don’t get me wrong, your style isn’t bad, not like Wooseok’s before I helped his poor soul,” Hyojong said, earning a loud thank you from Wooseok behind the cash registers. “You’re welcome baby!”

This blatant dismissal of Wooseok’s sarcasm made him smile. He picked up a broken handler from the floor and a pair of shoes discarded under a long flowy skirt. As a graduated fashion student trying to make ends meet while looking for better jobs in his field, Hyojong tended to have visions for absolutely everybody. If anyone made the mistake of giving him permission to do whatever he wanted with them, they were in for a terrible debt - Yuto suspecting him to amp up the store’s sales that way - and a powerpoint presentation.

“I appreciate your body positivity, but I’m doing just fine.”

Hyojong huffed. “Too bad. That’s okay, I know a friend who would love them anyway.”

 

Surprisingly enough, the news broke on a tuesday: he did not fail his exams. Part of him wasn’t overly satisfied with his grades - they were good, but below his expectations. Right now, he was in no position to wallow in self pity when he had a happy Yanan gesturing for him to take a bite of their pizza. He would be mad at himself later, in the privacy of his room, because he knew that the bare minimum didn’t deserve any clapping and cheering and surely not a pizza night with his friend. When Yanan kissed him on the cheek with the brightest of smiles, the thoughts lingered around but he managed to utter a small thank you while wiping the remnants of that display of affection away with the back of his hand in mock disgust. To squash the impending feeling of guilt, he told himself that he was cheering for Yanan’s own success. As chaotic as Yanan was as a person, the chaos spared his work ethics and that led him to postgrad life and a good internship. The boy’s choice to pursue his studies in another country was a bit odd considering that he was already enrolled and doing quite well in an elite university back there. Sure, Yanan transferred to another excellent business program that Yuto was himself in - a valuable assets as Yanan was two years older than him. When Yuto had asked why he left his home country, Yanan kept it short and vague.

“I needed change.”

Time gave him a little bit more of his friend’s background. Vagueness could not stand time’s hungry teeth; they always revealed hidden mechanics. Yanan was good at keeping things to himself as long as possible - they both were, to the point of being very competitive about it. But even them could not outlast the elements - there was not point to it, too. They were friends. They trusted each other.                        
Contrary to what he thought, this tall kid wasn’t trying to avoid a blind family that fed itself on the flesh of a golden child - Yuto met Yanan’s parents a few times, and they were absolutely lovely. Leaving home made them worried sick for their son but they supported him on all fronts. It was them that Yanan missed the most, not where he used to lived.    
The motive made itself obvious through hints: his friend was not a big fan of alcohol but if he ever indulged in a drink, it was at home only. At that time, Yanan never accepted drinks at parties that weren’t made by him and him only, even a simple glass of water. He had to go back to China a few times, and sometimes only for a day or two - he always came back drained and aloof. If he ever went on a date, Yanan would give him his exact position and whereabouts every few hours - Yuto wasn’t mad at it. It clicked in his head overtime, but he never spoke about it. Ghosts of a past that wasn’t his pained him, but they weren’t haunting him. The first time the topic was brought up between them was when Yanan won his trial. It explained the short trips - but again, Yuto had figured out on his side. That day, they were sharing their first meal together after a good month of being away from each other. Winter break was almost over, and they were sharing ramen that Yuto brought back from Japan when Yanan received a call from his parents. There had been a lot of shouting over the phone, happy ones, and Yuto had tried giving Yanan some space but he felt him searching for his hands and warmth and so he stayed. Ramen turned cold as Yanan sobbed in his arms for long minutes, but Yuto had bought enough to feed them an entire month. Winning the trial had been a relief, but no healing spell. Only, this time, Yuto was allowed to look at those ghosts and help scare them off. They talked about it more as Yanan’s tongue became strong enough to carry the awful and flesh cutting words. They still did sometimes when memories escaped and hid themselves in Yanan’s food and closet and dreams, or reappeared through other people’s words.

“I can’t believe you’re almost completely done with college. Unless you’re going for a phd.”

Yuto’s stomach was in knots. He needed to get out of his head and speak. He had taken a few bites, enough to distract Yanan. His friend was quick to deny, sauce dripping from his chin.

“Oh god, no. I'm submitting my thesis next year and I’m o-u-t.”

Yuto looked at his friend wash a small bite of pizza with a large sip of coke before attacking another slice.

“By the way, you should give me your resume. Remember that place I used to work for last year? A colleague told me they were looking for new kids in desperate need of experience in exchange of bad treatment and ridiculously low remuneration for the next winter break.”

“Yeah?” Yanan nodded. Yuto started thinking about it. “I don’t know if I’m qualified enough, though.”

“Yuto. Give me your resume. If they think you’re not fit for the job, they won’t call you.” Yuto tried to intervene again but was dismissed. “I will find your resume myself, if I have to.”

“I changed my password.” He murmured, hands playing with the holes in his black jeans, tugging on the thin strings.

Taking ten cautious steps everytime something new involved his future was a habit of his. An annoying one, he knew that. He was no Yanan, golden and fast. There was silence until he dared looking up to Yanan, ready to ask him to forget about it. Yanan was smiling, and took a look at Yuto’s empty plate and the lack of grease on his fingers, and so he spoke again, still firm but more aware and gentle.

“I just have to look at the last anime you watched on Netflix, if I need to guess.”

Yuto groaned. Damn him and his lack of originality. Knee bumped into his to call him back before he let his mind wonder again.

“Look, it’s worth a shot okay? Contacts are not easy to make so don’t beat yourself up if you land somewhere with a bit of extra help. Unless you forgot, my mom basically threw me in this internship.”

Yuto didn’t reply. He was getting unfocused. He hid his face in his hands. “Please, wait a little bit okay?” Yanan looked surprised but Yuto repeated. “Please, I ask you. I don't want help.”

Perhaps his hands betrayed him, because they were less steady, or maybe it was his voice that did. Yanan took his hands off of his face gently.

“Okay, okay. If you want to go home, we can. We’ll finish the pizza there if you want.” Yanan told him, reassuring and warm but Yuto shook his head.

“Let’s keep talking. I’ll tell you if I change my mind.”

It took a few more glances for Yanan to agree. He changed topic and Yuto was grateful.

“The landlord thinks it’s a good idea to plant things on the rooftop. Apparently it’ll make it more presentable.”

The news made him smile. “Hyojong’s going to be ecstatic.”

 

His mind eased as they talked, letting him eat a little under Yanan’s encouraging eyes. He was grateful to have a comprehensive friend that knew to work with him and not push in frustration. The pizza place was soon closing and Yuto was getting antsy sitting here for hours. They got up, paid - Yanan’s treat, despite his protest - and made their way home. It was quite humid outside, the air was heavy and uncomfortable around them. His eyes darted to the sky, as if he could read its intention in its blackness. Beside him, Yanan wasn’t looking at the sky but at the convenient store they were passing by.

“Hey, mind if we stop to get ice cream?”

“Nah, we need toothpaste anyway,” he replied, suddenly remembering. His tongue went over his teeth as he said that.

They went in, Yuto voicing his concern about it raining on them but Yanan brushed it off.

“We’re five minutes away from home.”

He almost replied that Yanan soaking wet would look fine, as he always did by some unfairness of the genetic lottery, but he kept it to himself. They split to go faster, Yanan already engaging in the alley to find ice cream. There was practically no one around, only two customers eating outside of the store. It was late on a weekday and people must had felt thunderstorm coming soon. His appetite was coming back slowly - he had eaten only a few bites - and so he made a small detour to get a bag of chips to wait until he could get home and cook something.

He grabbed what he needed, a bag big enough in case Yanan wanted some, and two tubes of toothpaste, turned around to find his friend, and go. He met Yanan in the queue to pay. Yanan eyed the bag of chips in his hands.

“You’re getting some don’t worry,” Yuto mouthed as if he spoke to a small impatient child.

The response he got came in the form of a small victory dance and he had to bite his tongue not to laugh. He just hang his head in embarrassment. Before them was a guy in a pale violet tee and some blue denim overalls that looked oddly familiar to his eyes.  Something fell on the ground and without hesitation, Yuto bent over to pick it up.

“Ah, thank you,” the guy told him. Yuto raised his head from the ground, the ring that obviously belonged to the guy in hand.

Big smile and eyes were the two things Yuto’s mind processed first. Then he saw the flowers embroidered on the front pocket of the overalls.

He handed the ring right away. “‘S’Okay.”

The guy smiled even more before turning back to the cashier and disappearing away. The sound of Yanan clearing his throat made him snap out of it.

“Oh,” he mouthed to the cashier lady that looked at him with a mix of impatience and boredom that made him feel bad. He paid and they leaved.

His mind was a bit in a daze right now. He blamed the upcoming storm.

“You okay there, Yuto,” Yanan asked but Yuto was too busy thinking that he didn’t catch that small something in his friend’s voice that made it slightly higher.

“Yeah, yeah I just,” he started, looking at the sky again but then shook his head. “I liked the flower pattern on his front pocket.”

Yanan looked at him, eyes round for a few seconds before softening for the second time this night. “Let’s go home. I don’t want ice cream soup.”

 

The overalls were sold in his store. He fell asleep shortly after finding his answers, phone in hand.  In the morning, he found a silent apartment. Yanan’s bedroom door was half-opened and a pair of shoes that didn’t belong to any of them were in the entry. His last memories before falling asleep floated before his eyes and thus, he quietly left the apartment.

 

Hating Changgu was not easy.  It was, in fact, pretty much impossible. Always making sure to properly greet Yuto, he would always ask him how he was doing and if work wasn’t too hard. He always closed the door of their flat behind him or brought food as a small repayment to Yuto for kicking his ass whenever he visited - even though Yuto was the one insisting on allowing them privacy. There was no doubt that his best friend could fall in love with him. No question as to why Yanan’s eyes held too much sorrow and ache. There was no ill intention behind Changgu’s kindness and deep laughters and the way his arms would always be around Yanan when Yuto got a glimpse of them before closing their bedroom’s door - it was never fully closed whenever he came back. Desire was quick breaths, unsteady steps and forgetful minds. Yuto was helpless: he couldn’t probe hearts and minds, couldn’t push Yanan to confess, couldn’t promise him that he would hear what he wished to hear.  
For the most part, Yanan was pretty much quiet about it. But Yuto knew him enough, now. Knew the disheartened sighs that escaped his friend’s mouth as soon as Changgu was away. Yanan’s eyes when they darted on couples told Yuto enough; first there was envy and innocence and daydream that drew a small smile on the lips. Then, the smile stayed, but envy faded away until there was nothing left but resignation. Summer would not help soothe the burnt skin on infatuated hearts, Yuto thought.

 

Violets. The flowers embroidered on the boy’s overalls were violets, he learnt one day strolling in one of the many parks of the city with Yanan and Wooseok, eating ice creams. He stopped on the way near a patch of purple flowers, reading the little placard explaining what variety passersby were looking at.  His mouth had already betrayed him when he realized his friends were looking at them, puzzled.

“What, who,” Wooseok repeated, after licking a bit of melted strawberry ice cream on his hand.

“Yeah, who,” Yanan pretended not knowing and it startled Yuto a little bit.

Judging by that sly smile, Yanan was playing coy. Wooseok looked truly confused.

“Nothing,” Yuto explained. “We were at a store the other day and this guy made his ring fall so I picked it up and he had very big eyes and smile and denim overalls that actually come from our store but he must have added the flowers on the front pocket.”

His long explanation rendered Wooseok speechless again. Yanan was staring at him too, his eyes, in half-crescent moon laughter.

“That’s like, a lot of things to remember after seeing one guy one time,” Yanan remarked innocently. Wooseok snorted.

Yuto shrugged. “I was wondering why the overalls looked familiar.”

“Yeah, and the big smile, and eyes,” added Wooseok.

Yanan laughed. “And violets.”

He didn’t know if it was the heat making him so slow, but Yuto didn’t understand why his friends were mocking him. He just shrugged again, going back to his own ice cream.

“So was the boy cute?”

“Very pretty. Shorter than us,” Yanan recalled. “But that’s a given.”

Yuto looked at him, flustered again. “We saw him for twenty seconds”

“But you remember right,” Yanan said, giggling. “Big eyes, big smile. Violets on jeans.”

After that Yuto made a point to walk faster than his stupid friends.

 

On a sunday, Yuto had to work in the morning, covering Wooseok’s shift. Some bad news about his maternal grandmother. Wooseok had called him with a tired, sad apologetic voice. He wished him strength and told him not to worry too much about work.  
The month of July was insufferable heat and Yanan yelling at him to drink more. He dreaded the hours without air conditioning - Hyojong had sent an angry text message with little to no punctuation to inform him that it had broken down yesterday night while closing and the store’s director, Junseo, had assigned Hyojong to the task instead of calling the company.

 _You should have never repaired that broken thing that one time. Now they know you can do more shit than just sell their clothes_ , Yuto replied.

He didn’t check his friend’s reply before getting into the store. As always, he showed his bag quickly to one of the security guards of the store before heading to his lockers. He greeted a few colleagues on his way, took a water bottle somewhere in the fridge of the staff room and made his way to his floor. As soon as he put his badge around his neck, clients’ eyes opened and never brushed past him - it was terrifying sometimes, as if suddenly, a cloak of invisibility had been lifted and the air around him attracted all the people that could not look for themselves more than three seconds before asking questions. After working here for a little over a year and a half, Yuto learnt to wait until he really was in his zone to put it around his neck. He went behind the register desks to open the door of the locker where his schedule was - he forgot to check upstairs - and breathed out when he saw that it wasn’t too bad of a day. Lucky Wooseok. Or maybe not, he corrected himself quickly. Schedule in mind, he went on about his day, grateful that at the very least, the temperatures wouldn’t be too strong in the morning.

Around eleven, Hyojong stepped into the fitting rooms, dirty clothes on, visibly pissed off. In his earbud, Hyuna sighed loudly before speaking.

“Yuto honey, Hyojong’s roommate is going to bring him clothes to change into. I’m sending him here.”

“Why is she not letting you change upstairs,” Yuto asked calmly, although a bit surprised after replying to Hyuna that he heard.

“Junseo and I fought. He’s already in the staff room,” Hyojong responded. He looked tired and disheveled. “If I see his face I’m going to lose it again.”

Traces of dirt and whatever else were also on his hands and face. Now that Yuto stopped running around, he could hear the sound of the air conditioning and the cool air.  
A client dropped three pairs of trousers turned inside out without a thank you on his almost completely cleaned-out table. Hyojong’s gaze followed her and if looks could kill, he’d be charged with first degree murder. A sigh escaped his tightly-shut mouth but he simply moved to check the now empty cubicle, removing the handlers dropped on the floor. He drew the thick blue curtains open.

“Your friend is coming,” he gestured for him to get inside. “Thanks for fixing it and saving us.”

“Well, yeah, you’re welcome,” Hyojong breathed out curtly, still on edge. He passed his hand in his hair.  “Fuck. I’m sorry, I’m just...”

Yuto waved it off and closed the curtains. “It’s okay. You’re allowed to be pissed.”

“Not at you,” Hyojong said from behind. He heard the sound of clothes being taken off. “God I can’t fucking wait to get out of here.”

Another client got out of the changing room, taken aback by the loud exasperated words coming from Hyojong. Yuto said goodbye to the flustered woman and went to check behind her.

“Uh, hi,” a voice greeted him as he was trying to detangle two bras from one another. He spun around, a bit surprised. A faint memory of embroidered flowers on denim overalls left him silent for a few seconds until Hyojong passed his head through the curtain. All shy and beautiful, Violet boy was standing there.

“Wait, I thought Hongseok was coming?”

The boy frowned, turning around this time. “He’s in the car.”

Then Violet boy retrieved a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from his backpack and handed them to Hyojong.

“Get in there so you don’t stand in the way,” Hyojong ordered.

Violet boy smiled politely at Yuto, but nothing told him that he recognized him, before disappearing behind the curtain. By Hyojong’s roommate coming, he assumed his boyfriend, Hui would come. Or Hongseok - he knew his name and face from pictures he saw and maybe that one time at a party but it was a very faint memory of the guy. All he knew was that he looked like a model and could probably break someone’s neck but was all boyish laughters and jokes. They never interacted that much, as Hyojong and Hui’s parties were always too crowded and messy and Yuto often stuck to people he knew.  
Someone cleared their throat, making him snap out of it and Yuto realized he had been standing up like an idiot and stepped out of the changing room to greet clients. He was doing a terrible job today. He was lucky there was practically no one right now, but his table wasn’t clean anymore and his mind was focused on cute denim overalls boy who wasn't wearing them today.  
Despite the very soft voices and the ridiculously loud music blaring in the store, Yuto heard them speak. 

“The damn air conditionning broke, Junseo thought I was a handy man and asked me to repair that shit.”

The sound of a belt against the floor punctuated the sentence. Hyojong kept on.

“Long story short, the fucking thing was leaking everywhere. Junseo complained that I was taking too long so I told him to go fuck himself. He threatened to fire me and Hyuna stepped in before I could say something real stupid.”

There was a loud gasp and probably a bit of scolding from Violet boy but he talked too low.

“I need to thank Hyuna now for saving your dumb ass,” Violet boy grumbled.

“He’s a fucking asshole,” Hyojong defended himself. He sounded defeated.

“I know,” Violet boy murmured but the rest of his words got lost in the music.

A woman got out of the fitting rooms and he was fairly certain they were all alone in there now.

“Hongseok drove you here right? You came fast,” Hyojong pointed out.

A giggle echoed. It was full of warmth. “Good accidental pun.”

Unspoken words travelled between Violet boy and Hyojong, Yuto felt them. He heard disgusted murmurs - they were Hyojong's, and some more excessive laughter from Violet boy. His own curiosity surprised him; he wondered what he was missing from all of this. His mind tried looking for the bits and pieces that Hyojong shared on his life but he mostly talked about his boyfriend Hui. He knew, at the back of his mind, that someone else lived with them but not two other people.  
After a few more seconds, Hyojong came out fully dressed, shaking his head. His friend took the dirtied clothes and put them in his bag.

“I hope poor Yuto didn’t hear that,” Hyojong muttered, throwing a disgusted look at his friend.

Violet boy looked at Yuto. There was a faint rush of color on his cheeks but it didn’t seem like he was truly embarrassed. It was more of a polite blush, some kind of formalized shame when private matters were being talked about in a not so private setting. Violet boy’s eyes were unsettling. One, two, three skipped heartbeats. The smile grew, showing pointy teeth and a light that he wished he never saw. God, he was absolutely endearing, Yuto thought hard and it made him nervous. Hyojong checked the time.

“Well lucky me, I’m on break. You and Hongseok want to go grab lunch? Maybe we could ask Hyuna to come, you know, pay lunch, say thanks I’m not fired.”

There was no moment of silence. Violet boy was quick to reply, full pout and baby voice. “You’re treating me?”

“With your face? Nah, Hongseok will.”

Violet boy’s eyes grew huge and he hit Hyojong playfully. “Let’s go, he’s parked in a wrong spot.”

“See ya in an hour kid,” Hyojong told Yuto.

They kept talking while walking away, Violet boy clinging on Hyojong’s arm. At some point, Violet boy turned around and waved at him, positively radiant, and Yuto smiled back, utterly petrified. Once the two were not in sight anymore, it suddenly occurred to him that Hyojong never called Violet boy by his name. The urge to ask him prickled his skin but his better judgement pushed back that thought. Yuto went back to folding clothes, leaving full control over his brain to the automatisms work ingrained in his brain.

 

His parents always worried that he spent his summers alone, confined at home when he wasn’t working. In reality, Yanan stayed back as his parents would fly from China to visit for a week. They came with little gifts for the both of them, which Yuto grew used to - he was still a bit embarrassed by it but Yanan’s father once told him that he was practically like family at this point and he should better roll with it. His friend’s parents would stay at a hotel - not that Yuto didn’t offer his bed a million times but they wouldn’t listen.

“It’s not like we’re short on money, Yuto,” Yanan’s mother had laughed once.

And it was true. Yanan’s family weren’t but still. His bed was very comfortable.

“If I’m being honest though, I’m glad they’re not staying there,” Yanan said, focused on the world that passed in rapid motion by the taxi windows.

They were coming back from dinner with Yanan’s parents before they flew back home. It was nice, eating fancy food in a fancy place. For free.

Yanan pursued. “How am I supposed to fuck with them in the room next to mine?”

Appalled, Yuto gestured to the front of the car to signal him that they weren’t exactly alone. Yanan being Yanan when he had an idea on his mind, didn’t care.

“God, I’m glad they’re not around to hear that.”

Yanan brushed his hair back. “Let’s be realistic, they know. That’s probably why they’re choosing to stay at the hotel.”

“Okay, but still. Tacit agreement. Some things we both know are better left unsaid, yada yada.”

His friend turned to him brutally. “You know what, I’ve never thought about it, but maybe they think we’re friends with benefits.”

Yuto hit the back of his head. “Yanan!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but what if,” Yanan repeated before frowning. “Uh, I can’t help but be a little offended at how disgusted you are right now.”

“I’m not,” Yuto denied, looking outside in hope it would send a clear message to his friend that the topic was closed.

“You know, Yuto,” started Yanan, completely ignoring his friend’s attempt to stop the conversation. “Statistically, one of us, at the very least, already thought and or dreamt about it once.”

He made a face that surely was somewhere between disbelief and exhaustion. “Did you lose all filters when learning Korean or were your born like that?”

Yanan shrugged, laughing. “You’re mad I’m right aren’t you?”

Yuto didn’t give an answer to that. He kept his mouth shut for the remaining of the ride. Okay, sure, he was a bit mad that his friend was potentially right, but at least, if his statistics were proven true, he hadn’t been the one thinking about it.

 

Their commute didn’t take long. Traffic was smooth and in no time, Yuto was sitting on their kitchen counter, drinking some herbal tea that Yanan’s mom brought from China. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it was pretty tasty.  Yanan was standing against the fridge, phone in hand. They were both exhausted.

“By the way, I think you’ll get a reply soon for that internship,” Yanan informed him, fixated on the roof.

At the mention of the internship, Yuto set his cup of tea on the counter. “What do you mean Yanan?”

His friend was still scrolling on his phone. “Listen, my ex-colleague hit me up, and I don’t know. I thought why not?”

Yuto mocked him. “Oh you put thought into it?”

Clearly not seeing what the deal was, Yanan ignored his sarcasm.

“I asked you not to get involved, Yanan,” Yuto complained. Something in the pit of his stomach was clawing at his chest. “I fucking asked you not to do it, what’s so hard about that?”

But Yanan wasn’t really paying attention to him, a grin on his rested face.  Yuto snapped. “I’m talking!”

It made Yanan jump, absolutely confused. “What the fuck dude?”

“Can you please focus on something else other than your stupid crush?” Yuto didn’t leave space for Yanan to reply back and defend himself. “All you care about is you dick appointment that turned into pathetic heartbreak appointments!”

Words born out of anger were clear and shaped well. Colored in impossibly red to stand out on the battlefield. They were deceiving, the illusion of strength and glory faltering as soon as they hit air. Something shifted in Yanan’s body, going stiff as soon as the words crashed on him. His friend clicked his tongue, eyes sharp and dark. The phone disappeared from his hand. Yanan took a step forward.

“Needed to get this off your chest uh?”

The little laugh that escaped Yanan’s throat made his go dry. He reached for his tea but stopped midway. Yanan shrugged. 

“I’m not the one having to repay my parents’ debt.”

Cutting truths were Yanan’s strength. He watched him leave the kitchen. Then heard the sound of keys and the door being opened.

“I’m not sleeping here tonight.”

Like that, he left Yuto with his impossibly stupid words.

 

The next day at work was rough. Yanan was giving him the cold shoulder. Yuto debated on sending him a message to remind him that Hyojong had the keys to their flat and the rooftop and that he was planning on coming today. But Yanan would discard the message as soon as he saw his name displayed on the screen. The few hours of sleep he got didn’t help him stay focused all day and he made small mistakes here and there. Hyuna was convinced he had a fever, repeating it several times, hands on his cheeks and forehead.

“I’m tired, that’s all,” he assured her. She still kept an eye of him whenever she was on their floor.

Knowing that Yanan threw him out there spiked fear in him and it turned him sour. His tongue was heavy with shame now. After Yanan left him in the kitchen, he felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he needed to cry but his eyes were tearless, burning from the brightness of his misplaced anger. His chest felt too heavy and too empty at the same time, and he took a few minutes to calm himself, pacing around in his apartment.  They had had their fair share of fights for Yuto to know that he needed to be patient. It would pass, he reassured himself so he could endure the needles and pins of avoidance. Yanan had switched off the lights in their little room which he deserved, to be honest, for letting his mouth run before his brain could catch up.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” was what he should have said and what he wanted to yell at Yanan.

Losing his head had its benefits, because he finished earlier than when he supposed he would - he confused his and Wooseok’s lines on their schedules. He came home to silence and Hyojong’s favorite backpack in the entryway. Coming from Yanan’s bedroom, he heard his roommate’s voice. As he was about to go to his own room and lock himself there, a second voice boomed in the apartment. Yanan wasn’t aware of his roommate going home early. It was around seven p.m. and he heard a moan that made his mind race. Hyojong. Hyojong was there. Yuto left the flat, only taking a jacket with him as the evening was a bit chilly and climbed the stairs that led to Hyojong’s improvised garden.

On the long list of things he didn’t know much about were names of flowers and trees and when to plant crocus. All of that was Hyojong’s territory. Unfortunately, Hyojong had no place to grow his own rosemary and chive and give room to a small olive tree his eyes caught in a flower shop once. Yanan was the one that pointed out they had a rooftop and that their nice landlord, a small and cheery woman that inherited this building and a few others in the country, wouldn’t find an objection to planting a few things here and there. After all, she had allowed them once to host a party there as long as everyone behaved. Granted, Hui gave them a bit of a hard time when an entire bottle of vodka slipped from his hands and flew over everyone's head. Luckily for them, the glass shattered on solid ground and no one’s head. The true story was that no bottle slipped from hands, but that Hui threw the bottle at Wooseok who was too lazy to move and get himself a drink. Disregarding age etiquette, Yanan made both Hui and Hyojong clean the after party while Wooseok was sent in the street at three in the morning to pick up the pieces of glass.

“But what if I cut myself,” Wooseok had whined, eyes droopy.

Yanan’s answer had been very simple and effective.

"What if I cut your balls off?”

Feeling remorseful, Yuto lied and said he should go with Wooseok to supervise his drunk ass, which he did, asking him to sit on the stairs that led to the building’s entry while he cleaned the mess himself. But other than that, they behaved, keeping their landlord’s trust intact.

The door leading to the rooftop was blocked by a bag of what looked like soil. Yuto pushed it open, making sure to let the bag as it was and made his way to the corner where Hyojong was, sat on his knees. He sat down at his level making Hyojong turn his head in surprise, before setting on a soft smile.

“Oh, want to have some gardening activities?”

Yuto tilted his head while lifting his hands before him.

“I’m afraid no plants will be blessed by these.”

“Don’t worry,” Hyojong objected. He raised his gloved muddy ones. “You just need to feed them and show them love and trust in them. Let them do what they know. There’s no magic.”

The sun was beginning to set, its golden breath giving a last kiss on the city. There was nothing yet, except for the olive tree, branches slowly moving with the wind. Hyojong followed his gaze.

“It’s much happier here,” he explained, beaming. “It has sun and a bit of wind, and place to grow. And no roommates knocking him over.”

The mention of roommates made Yuto’s hand twitch. It had been two full weeks since he last saw Violet boy.

"I didn’t know you had a new one”

“Who?” Hyojong asked, looking confused. “Black haired kid that came at work?”

His reply sounded like a murmur.

“He’s your age, internationally, I mean. He’s just a year above you, you know, school system.” Hyojong explained. He smiled. “He was living with us but left to study abroad. He moved back in a few months ago. Not a bad thing. The flat was honestly getting too big.”

It made sense as to why he never heard much about Violet boy. Hyojong looked at him funny and he wondered if he had something on his face. He watched him take off his gloves and set them aside.

“Yanan and you fought right?”

Taken aback, Yuto stared at Hyojong. “He told you?”

His friend nodded. “Yeah. I mean not directly. I wanted him to relay a message for you, in case I forgot or didn’t see you, but he told me to talk to you directly. So I concluded that you’re mad at each other.”

“Hercule Poirot, is that you?” He half-joked.

“He said your name with too much anger. That’s what gave it away.”

“Ah,” Yuto said. “Yeah, he’s not the best at not showing he’s mad.”

“Anyway. Yanan said he’d come,” Hyojong looked at him intently. “Hui’s birthday is this friday, if you remember.”

Yuto taped his skull. “No, don’t worry, it’s in there.”

Even if he didn’t, it was hard to forget Hui’s birthday date. The day before it, Hyojong would send everyone a text reeking of passive-aggressive threats.

“Yeah so, change of plans. We’re not doing it at that bar we usually go to but at home. Hui’s getting tired of that place and me too, to be honest.”

“Okay, yeah, noted.”

Hyojong grinned. It was quite windy and humid, at the moment, and he wondered if it was supposed to rain tonight. Hyojong’s phone started ringing, surprising them both.

“My roommates ordered takeout,” Hyojong exclaimed, getting up to his feet. “Want to join? Hongseok always orders too much food. I mean, he does eat most of it so...”

The proposition was nice but he politely declined. He was too tired to meet new people tonight. Hyojong looked disappointed but didn’t insist. “Next time then! Thanks again.”

“For?”

“The plants, idiot.” Hyojong took a pic of the pots with a contented smile. “Sleep tight my children.”

While Yuto laughed, Hyojong left a loud kiss on the top of his head.

“That goes for you too. Don’t stay there too long, it’s getting late.”

After Hyojong left, Yuto only stayed for a few more minutes, looking at the pink and purple clouds. He didn’t have time to ask about Violet boy’s name.

 

His birthday message to Hui, which he sent as soon as he woke up, was a picture of a dog celebrating his third birthday. He explained that it was roughly his age, in dog years.  
Hui sent him a soft crying meme and a paragraph full of hearts and kisses which was very Hui-like. Naturally, Hyojong saw the message, courtesy of Hui sending him a screenshot, and squealed so loud that he woke both Yuto and Hyuna from their nap. They were cuddled on the couch, her head resting on a pillow she placed on his belly. Feeling groggy, he checked his watch. He still had twenty minutes left before his lunch break was over. He looked at Hyojong, feeling betrayed and utterly confused.

“What the fuck,” Hyuna snapped, red hair all over her face. She threw a mcdonalds straw at Hyojong.

But the latter bounced up to them, putting his phone screen in her irritated face.

“Look at Yuto’s message!”

It took her a few seconds to read. Yuto rolled his eyes.

“That’s a private conversation.”

Hyojong huffed. “Hui sent me a screenshot, who cares. It’s cute!”

He saw in Hyuna’s melted expression and fond eyes that yes, it was, and it made him a bit happy, a bit embarrassed. He was still so sleepy. Hyuna pinched his cheek.

“You really are the purest little bean.”

Before he knew, she turned her attention back to Hyojong. “But you, you’re fucking dead.”

Hyojong’s eyes grew big and before he knew it, Hyuna was hitting him with a pillow. Being used to the noise and his two managers fighting, Yuto took the opportunity to go back to sleep. The pure little bean needed rest.

 

He got off at around six, covering for Hyojong who wanted to get home early to help his roommates prepare everything. At home, he found Changgu on their couch, looking prepared, eyes glued lazily on some episode of FRIENDS. Joey was eating Rachel’s infamous English trifle, unfazed.

“Hey,” he greeted him politely. Yanan was not here.

At the sound of his voice, Changgu lifted his head. He gave him one of his sweet smiles.

“Hello! How was work?”

“It was okay, I guess,” he replied. He looked around for a bit. “Yanan’s taking a shower. Won’t take too long, don’t worry.”

Changgu probably knew they were fighting but his everlasting gentleness didn’t betray any judgemental thought and so he trusted Yanan not to have shared anything.  After all, feelings were involved and Yanan wouldn’t put them out there. It was just that anyone could sense they tiptoed around each other.  
A door opened and Yuto looked at his watch. He still had a good hour to get ready. Before Yanan came back, he spoke, low and fast, hoping his friend wouldn’t hear him. He didn’t know how much Changgu knew. How close they were. But they were going to a party, with a lot of people, and he knew too much of Yanan. Yuto didn’t think he had the luxury to gamble and so he shot his shot.

“Please, take good care of him at the party.”

Changgu blinked, confused.  “I mean, yes I will? It’s okay we’re going to be at my brother’s.”

Yanan’s voice rose from his bedroom, not letting time to Yuto to really pay attention to what Changgu was saying. He quickly disappeared from the living room to get in the shower.

As expected, Yanan and Changgu left before him. He arrived quite  late at the party since Yanan left him with barely warm water and no clean towel. He had it coming, he told himself, shivering while stepping out of the shower. It took him awhile to get dry and get dressed. Hyojong had sent him a million messages, Hyuna and Hui as well. Wooseok left him a vocal message that he didn’t completely understand and it meant that the kid was already fucking drunk.

Music swelled as he stepped into the building, hitting him and the walls more and more as he reached the apartment door. When Hui opened it, Yuto got worried it wouldn’t end well and neighbours would call the cops on them, but he swept that thought aside and let himself get engulfed by Hui’s arms.

“Happy birthday,” he yelled, voice barely carrying over the music.

Hui’s eyes were warm as he beamed.

“I’m so happy you’re here ! We were getting a bit worried and Yanan hates your ass right now so we couldn't get info.”

Yuto winced. “Yeah, sorry. Some things went wrong.”

He wasn’t sure Hui heard but he seemed content with his reply. They got it, closing the door behind them. As he expected it to be, there was a lot of people. He spotted Hyojong across the room, pushing a glass of water in Wooseok’s hands, looking half-drunk himself, but less drunk than their giant friend. He waved at him and Hyojong nodded, frowning a little as to tell him that he was late. Yuto replied with a shy shoulder movement but he knew his friend wasn’t mad.

“Nah it's okay. Hyojong saved sodas for you in the kitchen,” Hui told him while gesturing to the direction of the kitchen. “By the way, your message was cute but now the kids are yelling at me to get a puppy. We already have a cat.”

Yuto laughed. “Well, who shared the message?”

Hui thought a second before sighing, defeated. “You have a point.”

A couple bumped into them. One of the girls mouthed an apology before they disappeared. “You’re the almost licensed lawyer here. Try, I don’t know, to find something in your lease that allows only one pet.”

“I wish,” Hui grunted. “But Hongseok is a smart bitch and also a future lawyer.”

“Ah,” Yuto said. “Well, you better as well settle on a small puppy?”

Hui laughed loud, hitting Yuto lightly on the arm. They talked some more until Hyojong came to steal Hui away and join the dancing crowd. Yuto spotted Yanan with Changgu, looking happy and relaxed, and it helped him ease into it a little. It was getting hotter by the minute and so he went to fix himself a drink.

Parties were mostly bumping into vaguely known faces a few times, barely holding a conversation for a few seconds. In a way, he liked how easy it was to let a conversation die down when almost everyone was tipsy or really drunk - there was no awkwardness to go through. Everyone’s attention span was drastically reduced and so it meant that Yuto didn’t feel bad about it, neither did his interlocutors. He bumped into Shinwon, Yanan’s first college roommate, who was pretty sober himself and they talked about where they were at right now. Shinwon was a music school teacher, still in training, but from the glint in his eyes and his million words, he looked happy and it warmed Yuto’s heart. From time to time, he caught a glimpse of the two other tenants, Hongseok and Violet boy. He never approached them, because there wasn’t a point in it. He recognized big eyes and big smile, but that was all he saw of him. Hongseok was still as good-looking as he remembered him to be. Both at ease as they kept talking with people, dancing with their friends. Solar in their respective ways. Before they both vanished, he saw Hongseok and Violet boy have a long conversation with Changgu and Yanan, and Yuto knew Yanan too much not to see how tensed he was. About what, he couldn’t tell from a distance.  
He kept an eye on Yanan, despite knowing he wasn’t completely alone, but it reassured him. He didn’t know if Changgu drank or not but from what he saw, the guy was holding himself back. At one point, he saw them leave the party, holding hands and rushing to send their goodbyes to the hosts. It made Yuto smile. It also meant he needed to stay here for a little bit more. Knowing Yanan, they wouldn’t go to Changgu’s.  
Around midnight, they turned the volume down a bit. Hyojong was laying down on the couch, feet propped on Hyuna’s thighs and head on Hui’s. She grunted something along the lines of calling in sick tomorrow afternoon. Hui was eating pizza, eyes tired, but calm. He was sitting on the floor, looking at them with amusement. Out of nowhere, someone shrieked.

“What the fuck!”

Yuto turned his head towards Shinwon looking panicked as Pilpel, the cat, was letting herself bathe in this new found glory, not getting the hint that the owner of the lap she was sitting on was petrified. Hyojong sighed.

“Where are Hongseok and the kid, fuck,” Hui complained, almost dropping his bite of pizza. “It was their job to make sure Hongseok’s door was...”

Hui stopped talking. He and Hyojong shared a too knowing look. One of them shuddered.

“Hui, baby, go get the cat before Shinwon passes out.”

“It’s my birthday,” Hui whined.

“Don't move,” Yuto instructed while getting up. “I’m going to save Shinwon. I think the cat needs some fresh air and me too.”

“I genuinely don’t think both of you deserve Yuto,” Hyuna piped up.

As she kicked Hyjong when he complained about favoritism and he threatened to sue her, Yuto fled to get Pilpel from Shinwon’s lap and get outside on the balcony. The cat let him, already purring under Yuto’s caressing hand. The night was warm, but he realized how hot it was in the flat. As soon as he stepped outside, someone turned the volume up on some Leonard Cohen’s song and he counted to three until he heard Hui singing his lungs out. The streets were buzzing below him. It was the end of the week, after all. He forgot that the flat was in a busy street, and that the noise they were making was only a part of the essence of life here. His friends were safe. He was getting tired, wondering if it was okay to go home now. Or maybe not now, as Pilpel purred against him, warm fur against his cheek as he looked over the city. Pilpel meowed and licked his fingers.

“What’s going on kitty?” Yuto wondered, approaching his nose to Pilpel's.

“She’s saying that she loves you,” someone replied behind him and he jumped, gripping Pilpel tight against him. He was lucky this cat was so malleable.

Violet boy was standing on the balcony, looking like he was waiting for Yuto to invite him here. But it was his own home, Yuto thought, and thus he let him know he could stay by stepping back a little. Pilpel leaned in towards Violet boy who rubbed the cat under the chin. Glancing over Violet’s boy shoulder, Yuto saw Hongseok licking his own two lips, standing on the threshold. 

“Hi baby,” Violet boy cooed, voice so gentle and rich.

His lips were bitten red, a soft glaze over his eyes. The only thing grounding Yuto was the cat in his arms. He looked calm but his voice was rough. Yuto felt Pilpel growing impatient and he gave it to Violet boy.

“I’m sorry love,” Violet boy apologized, rubbing his nose into the cat’s fur, leaving soft kisses. He then gave the cat to Hongseok who smiled softly.

“Next time, we’re putting her in your room.” Hongseok laughed that bright laughter that suited him so much. His attention focused on Yuto and something switched on, as if Hongseok regained his composure. “Hi, you’re Yuto right? I’m Hongseok. One of the roommates.”

“Hi,” Yuto said and his own voice sounded foreign.

“Nice to finally, properly meet you,” Hongseok said, radiant. Pilpel meowed again and Hongseok laughed. “Yeah okay you’re hungry, I get it missy but it’s past eating time baby. I’m putting her back in my room, ‘ggu. I don’t want Shinwon to shit on our floor. The cat’s, I can handle, but not his. See you around Yuto!”

“‘kay,” Violet boy breathed out and they exchanged a quick glance that disclosed enough of what Yuto needed to know.

Hongseok left, closing the door behind him and Yuto followed his back for a few seconds  until he disappeared again in the hallway leading to the rooms.  Hyunggu, Yuto repeated in his head. He got his name. It didn’t take that long.  
Hyunggu leaned against the door glass, closing his eyes for a little bit. There was no hiding from him and Hongseok. No shame in the color of their lips and cheeks and the little out of it look. Hyunggu opened his eyes again. They were so aware and sharp on him, now, despite their glossiness. It wasn’t difficult to admit that he was fascinating and that the warm smile he offered was enough to make him blush.

“I guess we’re still introducing ourselves,” Hyunggu ran his hand in his hair. “I’m Hyunggu, the other roommate. Sorry about the cat and not greeting you sooner.”

Yuto tried clinging on how exhausted he was, tried letting the sleepiness loosen him up a little bit.

“It’s okay, there’s also a lot of people at their parties. And you were busy.”

“Mmm,” Hyunggu agreed, finding his last words pretty funny judging from the smile he could not hide and Yuto almost decked himself for his choice. The voices from the streets and the apartment were nothing but wind around them. “I couldn’t tell you, the other day, but I remember you from the convenient store.”

“Oh,” was the only thing Yuto could say. “Yes, I remember you too.”

This went without saying. Some things couldn’t escape his mind and although he only got bits and pieces of Hyunggu since that night at the convenient store, those small strokes of an entire piece were kept clear in his mind. Hyunggu straightened himself, stretching and yawning. There was something entrancing and inviting about him. Maybe he was being too much and too tired and his emotions were a mess because of that. A small bruise on Hyunggu’s neck caught his attention. Hongseok’s lips had been red, red, red, too. He couldn’t blame him.

“Damn, it’s late,” Hyunggu remarked, checking his phone. “I’m kicking everyone out in a few minutes. The old men are cute but I’m the only sober one and it gets lonely.”

Yuto smiled. “I hope my roommate and his date are done by the time I get home, then.”

It took a second for Hyunggu to register and reply. “Oh! I didn’t mean to...It’s just that I need to put them into bed and if people stay around forever it’s a little bit harder, I mean...”

Softer and rounder eyes looked at the sky then him. Hyunggu’s words came out rushed and embarrassed.

“Don’t worry, I get it. I was just messing with you,” he reassured Hyunggu who pouted.

Yuto’s heart swelled, breathing in the liveliness of the night. Exhaustion kicked in, finally, and maybe that was the reason he could talk. They waited a bit, in silence. Hyunggu came to lean on the railing. He closed his eyes again, a bit of fatigue washing over smiles and softness, and Yuto made a note to himself that he had surprisingly sharp features.

“I heard that you and your roommate are not on good terms,” spoke Hyunggu after awhile. It surprised him.

Yuto let out a bitter chuckle. “Does everyone know about two best friends fighting?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude,” Hyunggu apologized.

He spoke low and slow but he was sure of what he said. Yuto shook his head, rested his arms on the railing and looked over. Nothing was keeping him here, if he was being honest with himself. Changgu and Yanan were probably fast asleep by now.

“It’s okay. He’s allowed to be angry,” Yuto whispered. “I said stupid hurtful things that were frankly out of context. I don’t know why.”

Hyunggu tilted his head. He had the sharp gaze of a cat.

“To hurt him.” Yuto frowned hearing this. Hyunggu had his head on his arms, looking at him now. “You said those things to hurt him.”

Truth came in such simple, obvious words.

“Yeah," he conceded. "I guess. I’m an asshole.”

“You were maybe a bit at that moment, but doesn’t mean you generally are. I mean, I hope?” Hyunggu smiled then rubbed his cheek against his arm. “This is some overheated wise words from the stranger-not-so-stranger kid at a party.”

“Thank you, stranger-not-so-stranger kid.”

It made Hyunggu giggle and reach for his arm. Yuto didn’t mind the contact.

“I have to be honest with you,” Hyunggu then said, playfully ceremonial. “I was sent on a mission by Hongseok.”

Yuto raised an eyebrow.

“See, your friend, Yanan, he’s with Changgu. And well, see, Changgu, he’s Hongseok’s little brother.”

“Real brothers or,” Yuto asked. He didn’t need to wait for Hyunggu’s nod to connect the dots. Changgu had told him, earlier and it explained Yanan's nervousness earlier. “Small world.”

“They’re half-brothers to be more precise but yeah, small world,” Hyunggu mused. “Anyway my question is simple: what are Yanan’s intentions?”

He didn’t really know if he had any right to tell a stranger just that. “My question is more or less the same: what are Changgu’s intentions towards Yanan?”

The deflect didn’t work with Hyunggu who bit his lips, eyes mischievous. Suddenly, Hyunggu perked up, his mouth as round as his eyes. A laugh escaped that o-shaped mouth.

“God, Yanan likes Changgu right.” It wasn’t a question. Hyunggu’s voice boomed in the night. “We have a terrible case of mutual pinning here, Yuto.”

First, he was going to ask Hyunggu to explain what he meant. Then he knew. It came as a surprise, to hear a confirmation, but it wasn’t quite the shock he would have expected.

“What are they waiting for then,” Yuto said, perplexed. “If they like each other, why not go for it?”

Hyunggu’s laughter died down. He hid his face in the crook of his arms still rested on the railing.

“The very common, general fear of fucking things up when you think you’ve found your special someone, I guess.”

That made sense yet, Yuto wasn’t satisfied with it. Now that he knew, he could perhaps help Yanan confess. The thought crossed his mind but before it could settle in, Hyunggu lifted his face.

“We better keep it to ourselves. They need to figure it out for themselves.”

“But,” Yuto objected. “What if they never muster up the courage to confess to each other?”

Hyunggu smiled softly. He shrugged, throwing a glance at the party inside. Yuto followed his gaze absentmindedly.

“I think they’re not stupid. They’ll get to it in their own time. But if they don’t, then…”

For the second time, Shinwon’s yell pierced through the walls and glass. Hyojong was holding the cat in front of his face, probably insisting in giving her some love. A shaky sigh left Hyunggu’s mouth.

“It’s starting to get real late.”

Yuto nodded. “Do you need help with them?”

Even the night was getting quieter outside. “No, don’t worry. Seokie will help me. Do you need a ride home? He can drive you.”

Not wanting to slow them down, Yuto declined. “No, we don’t live that far anyway. I’ll walk home.”

Violet boy didn’t insist, perhaps because he was busy mouthing to Hongseok to cut the music and start getting people to leave. From afar, Hongseok gave two thumbs up before prying the cat off of Hyojong’s hands, scolding him. It took him twenty minutes to get home, frankly exhausted. Yanan’s bedroom door was left ajar and so he shut it on his way, wondering if Changgu stayed the night or not - he didn’t check if there were any additional pair of shoes in the entryway. Right before setting his phone on his bedside table, he heard a buzz. An unknown number had sent him two messages.

“ _Hi, it’s Hyunggu. I got your number from Hyojong’s phone. I hope you got home safely. It was nice seeing you again.”_

Yuto’s heart soared. He read the next one.

_“I hope you and your roommate will patch things up soon. You seem to love each other very much.”_

He saved the contact as Violet boy and was disappointed to learn that no violet flower emoji existed.

 

Yanan came to his room three nights later, fumbling and needy. It was like a storm after a long drought, unexpected and strong. A nightmare of a past slipped under closed lids sometimes. They were still not talking, but it was what it was, and he rocked him back and forth. He whispered _sorry, sorry, sorry_ that memories could not always fade. He whispered until Yanan fell back asleep. When he woke up, Yanan was in the kitchen, waiting for him. Both of them were free of work and classes that day. Yuto’s voice came out hoarse and unsure but sincere, he hoped.

“Yanan, I’m sorry about the other day.”

“Yuto, that’s okay. I didn’t listen to you and the news took you by surprise. You were anxious,” Yanan said. The sound of the knife against wood stopped. They were cooking that chinese broth recipe Yanan got from his mother. “Besides you weren’t completely wrong.”

The little laugh that followed sounded like a sob and Yuto cursed himself. What a mess he made. He gently nudged Yanan.

“I wasn’t completely right either,” he whispered, shame biting back at his flesh. “And anxiety doesn’t justify anything.”

“It’s just that,” Yanan’s shoulders dropped and never got to finish.

The urge to let the truth roll down from his tongue made him lose his own breath for a second but Hyunggu’s words held his own back. It wasn’t his place to pull fate’s strings and mingle with their intimacy.

“Whatever you do, confess or not, or if he does, or not, you know I’ll be ready to support you,” he offered. “Maybe curse every pic of him on your phone before deleting them.”

Yanan burst out laughing. “Technology makes it less dramatic.”

His friend rubbed his eyes as if it was enough to dispel whatever was betraying to spill. It wasn’t but Yuto didn’t need his friend to hide.

“We could print them,” Yuto said. “Print them, then delete them from your phone and then burn the pictures.”

As soon as he finished speaking, his stomach rumbled loudly. Yanan smiled softly.

“Okay. But you need fuel to build that fire.”

“We just need a match or a lighter even just the stove.”

He earned a pat on the cheek. Yanan’s sad eyes were gone, only replaced with affection and the gleam of amusement.

“I’m talking about you, you idiot. Let’s finish that soup.”

They made that soup, or more precisely, Yanan made it while he just hugged his friend like a child. It wasn’t the easiest way to operate but Yanan didn’t really mind cooking with a koala on his back. The broth was good and easy on his stomach, and after being done eating, they settled on a Harry Potter marathon.  
The memory of Hyunggu on the balcony came to him, while Yanan was focusing on the movie, head on Yuto’s lap, both of them under a thick blanket - sure it was summer but there was no good movie without the comfort of a blanket. Besides, the air conditioning was on and they were both too lazy to reach for the remote control and turn it off. He remembered his text about their situation, such a purely nice thought. And so he, not without a bit of apprehension, sent Violet boy a picture of their television, with a caption saying that everything was well now. Hyunggu’s reply came fast. It was short and dripping sweet and it made Yuto feel less stupid about sending it.

_Hongseok thinks I'm weird because I cheered out loud for you but I'm genuinely so happy!! And, to be honest, I'm a little jealous, I want to marathon Harry Potter too but they never have time for that._

To which Yuto almost replied that he was always free to come and join them. Instead, he sent a sad emoji face, telling him that they sucked. Hyunggu replied fast, already sending what sounded like an exasperated complaint about his old men. Then, he wished Yuto a good day with one single purple heart. Yuto’s own one leapt. A mix of embarrassment and pure fondness. He couldn’t ignore how warm he felt.

 

September was still hot and moist and uncomfortable. An email informed him that they could enroll for fall classes now. As per usual, Yanan went over this with him, giving him advice on which class to take and which teacher to  avoid if he wanted to survive another year. He found Violet boy on campus, in his cute little overalls and a purple shirt. He saw him once, twice, even more but always stayed back. Hyunggu was almost never alone, sometimes with people he didn’t know, sometimes with Hongseok whom he kissed on the cheek. It happened that the kiss would linger close, too close, to the lips. A tiny detail Yuto grasped so fast, for whatever reason it was, but he knew that it was too elusive to anyone else’s eyes. Or maybe it wasn’t, maybe they didn’t mean for it to be so. The almost-on-the-lips kiss was often met with a sly smile from Hongseok and a whisper in Hyunggu’s ears that would make his teeth sink in his lips and oh god Yuto hated himself for staring too much and wondering too much.

On a friday, Yuto found himself rushing to get to the toilet after his eight in the morning class that he willingly chose - Yanan had promised the teacher was strict but explained well, graded fairly as long as he showed up and did his work. And sure, Yanan was right, he often was, but this was still a pain in the ass and Yuto wasn’t sure he would survive an entire semester like that. He needed to pee as fast as possible before leaving to get to work in time. It was manageable. Perhaps he needed to stop sipping on a giant cup of coffee everytime he had this class.

“You said fuck your bladder lives,” Yanan howled when he told him about this difficulty.

“It’s that or I’m never keeping my eyes open and I fuck my entire career up.”

Yanan found his reply a bit dramatic but Yuto had his parents to fill with pride and a future to keep on shaping despite doing it in pitch blackness - he was quite unsure of the end result. Turning right on the corridor, he saw someone getting out of the bathrooms, walking rather fast. The guy turned his head a bit. It was unmistakably Hongseok; red lips and hurry on his always so pretty face. Yuto’s bladder was screaming at him at any moment and so he quickened his pace and made a dash to the toilets. Hongseok didn’t see him as he fled the place and Yuto had important matters to tend to.  
As he was washing his hands, finally relieved but considering another cup of coffee, he heard a whisper, something that sounded like a curse from one of the stalls and it made his blood freeze in a second. He didn’t hear anything for the three minutes he’d been in here and he tried to remember if he had been humming to occupy himself - something that sounded a bit like an exorcism, because he watched a lot of Supernatural episodes and ghosts liked public bathrooms. But then the ghost from the stall opened the door on a familiar face that had nothing to do with the afterlife but everything to do with deities, as corny as it sounded. Violet boy threw a tight, embarrassed smile until he recognized Yuto and embarrassment turned into relief.

“Oh god it’s you. Hi.”

Violet boy walked towards the mirrors above the sinks, fixing his hair and clothes. He looked fine, grounded, despite the same red-bitten lips and the flush of colors on his cheeks. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Hongseok coming out. Then Hyunggu. But then it meant he had been waiting in that stall for a good time.

“Oh you, oh, I’m sorry,” Yuto stammered and Hyunggu flashed a smile.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked, raising an eyebrow before laughing. “Oh, I didn’t wait that long. I could have waited for more but I have a class soon. I’m glad you’re the one witnessing my walk of shame, although, I apologize for it.”

Was Hyunggu always so radiant, Yuto asked the greying ceiling, hoping his words would go through it and reach whoever could answer. The man walked out of a public bathroom stall, looking fucked out and still, his voice was as rich and unwavering as his smile.

“Your boyfriend could have waited for you,” he muttered.

Violet boy looked confused.

“Hongseok?” When Yuto mouthed a yes, Hyunggu shook his head vigorously.  “We’re not together.”

“Oh, I thought since…”

“Sex happens outside of marriage,” Hyunggu joked and Yuto reddened. “I’m joking, you couldn’t know.”

In reality, all the hints were laid out in front of him. So Yuto didn’t know if it was naiveté, stupidity or if he needed another coffee, but he didn’t read the hints and assumed a relationship. An unnamed wind passed through him. He couldn’t tell what it was and what it said. He only knew that Hyunggu’s eyes were on him and that there was nothing more than lust on his lips and skin.

“I have to teach a class soon,” Hyunggu sighed, a pout forming on his face. “Do I look okay?”

Yuto eyed him for good measure but he could have answered right away. He gave a thumb up. Hyunggu smoothed his shirt and brushed his hair back with his hand. It was again, politeness and conventionality at most. Something told him Hyunggu was brutally honest with his emotions, and yet, it wasn’t easy to seize what all of this was.

“I hope to see you soon, Yuto,” Hyunggu said, a true smile from lips to eyes.

Yuto’s heart flinched from the heat but was still drawn to the flame.

“Hyojong uses our rooftop as a garden. He’s coming tomorrow.”

Clumsy words still said what they needed to say. Hyunggu frowned a second before the light came back in his eyes. He waved and said goodbye before disappearing.  
When he took his shift, a good thirty minutes after his encounter with Hyunggu, he found Hyojong behind the cash desks, cleaning the lockers. The returns closet was full and the reservation one where employees put things aside even fuller.

“Hey Yuto,” Hyojong greeted him. “Do you have anything for yourself in all that ? I can save yours right now.”

Yuto nodded. “Yeah there’s pairs of jeans for Yanan in there. I forgot to take them yesterday.”

“Noted,” Hyojong said removing the name and date tag to replace it. “Junseo would really hate my guts even more for that.”

Their floor was lucky to have Hyojong always willing to bend rules, among which employees had forty-eight hours before the clothes would be put back on display. Well, Hyojong didn’t do that for everybody and not all the time. First, he had to care about the person or at least agree that they had a good reason. Second, doing it all the time would raise suspicions. Hyojong’s favorite thing was to never bend the rule for Junseo himself who still didn’t realize why his clothes never stayed even forty-eight hours and one minute into that closet. But that wasn’t like the man could complain. The rules were the rules.

“Try taking them before the end of the week ‘kay?”

Yuto agreed. “I’ll buy them at my break, I promise.”

“That’s alright. There’s two new kids by the way. One of them was assigned to our floor so I’m making you a godfather.”

Yuto smiled. “And not Wooseok?”

“He’s still not over the last time I gave him a kid.”

He stifled a laugh. Poor girl had been terrified after Wooseok locked her in the stock room and forgot her for almost two hours. Wooseok felt so bad he asked to never get that much responsibility again.

“It’s been an entire year.”

“It’s Hui’s fault. He told him how she could have sued and won,” Hyojong whined, putting clothes on a horse. “Never settle for a future lawyer. They don’t know shit about law but they manage to scare everyone.”

“I’m sorry,” a voice interrupted them from behind the desks. "I can't find my mom anymore."

Bending over, they eventually saw a tiny girl, looking absolutely terrified and close to tears. Yuto's ears perked up at her Japanese right away. 

“Is she lost?” Hyojong asked him,  hastily putting a jacket back on a hanger and then on his cleaning horse.

Yuto was already on the other side of the desks, crouching down her level. “Hi, I’m Yuto. What’s your name ?”

She blinked back tears, holding onto her plushie. As she earned her own language, she seemed a bit more at ease.

“Amano Masae.”

“I’m going to take you upstairs so we can make an announcement, okay?”

She immediately nodded. Yuto offered a smile and his hand. He looked at Hyojong.

“I don’t have any earpiece right now. Just inform Hyuna.”

Hyojong did it immediately and then snapped his head.

“Oh, by the way, can I bring my roommate with me? He wants me to show him the garden.”

Remembering he had a child’s hand in his, it took him all of his will not to squeeze it tight.

“Sure! Absolutely. No problem.”

If the eagerness in his voice and word choice betrayed him, Hyojong did not pick on it. Instead, he turned his back to him and went back to his task. Yuto left with the kid.

 

The next day was uneventful. He only had a class around ten. He got home around one and after eating takeout with Yanan, Yuto gathered all his courage to attack an essay due after the weekend. When he emerged from his room a few hours later, not even three pages in, eyes burning from the screen, Yanan was in the kitchen, fixing himself some tea.

“How’s it going?”

“The person that invented essays was a twisted, sick human being and saw my face in the future and you know what he said? Fuck this Adachi Yuto kid,” he said.

Yanan laughed. Rummaging through their emergency cupboard but not finding anything, Yuto concluded that emergencies were everyday in this house.

“I had three presentations for my internship to make this week,” Yanan confessed.

That was a good enough excuse so Yuto waved his hand. “I need to get out anyway.”

“I once find an entire development while buying toilet paper,” Yanan offered, lifting his cup to his mouth. “Everything’s possible when you’re desperate.”

 

As much as he knew Yanan was three miles ahead of him in everything, that god shaped angels, therefore shaped Yanan, and gave him everything that he could, Yuto still tried his luck and stayed a bit too long in front of the chocolate bars and other candies. He wanted to be done with that paper because he worked on saturday and sunday mornings and he truly wanted sleep. Bold of him to think the world was playing in his favors and giving him what he wanted. After standing in almost every alley which only resulted in raising the owner’s suspicions on him, he decided that luck wasn’t on his side and moved to the front of the store to pay. A familiar voice boomed from somewhere near him.

“What are you doing there, Hyunggu? Deciding between strawberry or peach flavored lube?”

It was unmistakably Hyojong. Yuto checked his watch. It was a little past four in the afternoon. His friend didn’t tell him when he would come but it wasn’t like he ever did. Violet boy was here too. His lips curled into a smile as excitement rushed through him.

“You’re really improving on your jokes,” Hyunggu deadpanned. “It’s not my fault they decided to put the chips next to that.”

“I’m sure the man likes strawberry flavored ass,” Hyojong joked before yelping. “You can’t hit me! I’m your elder. I’ll be contacting my lawyer.”

“I’ll be contacting mine then,” Hyunggu responded. Hyojong muttered something about Hongseok that earned him another blow because he yelped again. “Shut the fuck up.”

The cold, low voice of Hyunggu threw him off a little bit. It was clear that Hyojong struck a sensitive chord. They were getting closer to him and so he faked interest in the candies, his arms already full of them and his parents’ voice telling him to just eat better. He counted until eight.

“Are you planning to get high on that? Is that what kids do nowadays?”

Maybe he should have faked surprise but that was too late as he was turning around.

“Leave him alone,” Hyunggu said, looking pissed for a second before looking up to Yuto. And all dark edges vanished. “Got a sweet tooth?”

“I’ve been working on a paper. I needed a break. And sugar.” Smiling was Hyunggu’s default face and it was almost painful. “You’re here early.”

Hyojong pointed to Hyunggu. “Someone couldn’t wait to see the garden.”

“I’ve just heard a lot about it,” Hyunggu replied calmly, eyes on Yuto.

There was a pause, or so he thought. He breathed. “Let’s go then.”

Inside him, the sound of a flowing river, warm and red, hungry and impatient.

 

Hyunggu did not talk while they walked to the flat. Instead, he looked around him, ever so sharp and curious gaze. Hyojong wasn't that much of a talker either unless he was surrounded by friends and so here he was, excitedly talking about his interview he had that morning. One of Hyojong's promo friend had landed a job as a stylist assistant and heard that a position for another group in the same  company was vacant.

“It went well,” Hyojong concluded confidently. “I never say this easily but I think I've got a fair chance. I am going to eat crap but that's better than the store.”

“I’ll cross my fingers for you,” Yuto promised, letting Hyojong take his arm.

“It's just a start,” Hyojong said. “I sent many more applications to other companies on my friend’s advice.”

It reminded him of something but he ignored the nagging voice in his head. Instead he squeezed Hyojong's hand.  
They talked some more, Hyunggu remained silent. When Yuto opened the door, Hyojong made his way easily taking Hyunggu's hand and leading him in.

“Come they have a nice TV. Yanan's loaded.”

He heard Yanan choke on whatever he had. Probably just air. Yuto went straight to the kitchen to fill the empty emergency cupboard. He heard Hyojong and Yanan talk about that job interview.

“I hope we're not bothering you since you're studying.”

This time, Hyunggu really did startle him. He almost crushed the snickers bar in his hand.

“God no, I have plenty of time to do it,” he managed to reply after regaining his composure. “I mean not really since I'm working tomorrow saturday and sunday but I'll make time.”

Hyunggu licked his lips. “You work a lot.”

“Well, rent doesn't pay itself. Neither does food,” he smiled. “I'm genuinely just doing the bare minimum.”

God, Hyunggu was beautiful, he couldn't not think about it. Could barely keep himself from staring.

“You're certainly not doing the bare minimum.”

The tone didn’t leave any window open for discussion. Yuto blinked but before he could say anything, Hyojong yelled at Hyunggu that he was going on the rooftop right now.

“Is he always yelling around you,” Yuto asked before closing the cupboard he left open.

“What do you mean,” Hyunggu looked lost. “Is he not always yelling around you?”

A little shake of his head to indicate that no, Hyojong was rarely too loud when he was there made Hyunggu’s eyes grow big.

“Uh, that’s not fair,” Hyunggu whined and now he was pouting. “Teach me your ways please I’m tired of suffering.”

Keeping himself put together and not showing that he was melting on the spot proved itself to be more difficult than expected. His hands itched to reach for Hyunggu’s face and stroke his hair away from his eyes. Hyojong yelled again and Hyunggu sighed loudly.

“I’m going to throw him off the building.”

Yuto chuckled. “Please don’t do that, I like living here.”

 

Hyojong named all his flowers and aromatic herbs. Jun the oregano was still only budding, protected by Bora the basil that grew tall and smelling like dreams. Bees and bumblebees loved Hayeong, Hyein and Hyeok, the marigolds, dahlia and cleome. Alone but already thriving, Hyojin the mint was looking happy in its very own big pot. According to Hyojong, it needed its own space not to start eating at everyone else’s. Mint was nice but greedy.  The olive tree had no name yet but looked healthy in the winds and last bit of sun of an exhausted summer.  
Beside them, Yuto watched the two friends. Throughout the in depth introduction, Hyunggu listened carefully, smelling everything he was showed. Many ideas bloomed in Hyojong’s head but he needed time to expand his garden. Hyunggu liked the purple flowers the most. It wasn’t a surprise. Drawn to them, Hyunggu would gaze at them as if he heard them and their silent flower talks. Yuto stole this attention from time to time, and Hyunggu smiled each time. His throat so dry he was too afraid to utter a word and ridicule himself. Hyojong pretexted having to call Hui but having no service there and eventually left them alone.

“Thank you, for letting Hyojong do his thing here,” Hyunggu said, not waiting a second to talk.

He was caressing the olive tree leaves now, eyes on Yuto. Still full of that gentle light he shed on the purple flowers.

“It brings him peace. I wish our landlord wasn’t a complete asshole about it.”

“It’s not much,” Yuto replied, hands gripping the bar of the railing.

He was glad to have brought a jacket with him. A chilly wind was rising now. A testimony of summer’s weakening. Hyunggu walked to him, looking around and then at Yuto. Something swelled in his stomach, hot and expecting.

Yuto asked what came to his mind first.

“How do you know your roommates?”

“We all grew up together. Hui was my neighbor. He lived in the apartment next to mine and we were the only two kids in the building. I met Hyojong’s in a dance class when I was little.” Hyunggu replied, standing right next to Yuto. “He absolutely hated my guts at first.”

That sounded almost impossible. He almost wanted to ask Hyojong about it.

“Don’t ask me how he went from wanting to poison me, to yelling at me not to forget to wear a scarf every winter morning,” Hyungu added. Yuto turned to him. They were now facing each other. “He was already friends with Hongseok at school. I invited the two at home when there was Hui. Pretty simple.”

Yuto tried picturing the quatuor but only the image of Hyunggu's red lips came to him.

“Hyojong knows me well,” Hyunggu smirked before licking his lips. And then he laughed. “He truly does.”

“How so?” Yuto asked, accent thicker as he watched Hyunggu move closer again.

“To be honest, I didn’t really come for the garden,” he said, calm as he exposed himself. “But it’s absolutely lovely.”

Yes it was, Yuto thought, in between the thumping sound of his heart.

“Can I?”

It was no more than a whisper but he heard it clear. As soon as Yuto said yes, Hyunggu closed the distance and kissed him.

 

Hyojong did not come back. Actually, when Hyunggu led him back to his apartment, there was no one there. He found himself on his bed, Hyunggu between his legs, bold and looking so so hungry. As if Hyunggu foresaw his questions, he spoke softly in his ear, voice too low and suave.

“Don’t worry, they’ll be away until I send him a text.”

“He really does know you,” Yuto said, a bit baffled but appreciative.

He briefly wondered how Hyojong got Yanan away from the flat because it wasn’t an easy task. Right now, getting an answer wasn’t really a priority as Hyunggu rubbed his still clothed hips against his.

“Help me there,” Hyunggu whispered as he unbuckled Yuto's belt.

He did as he was told, bucking his hips as Hyunggu undressed him. Yuto watched him moving in a daze. Somehow, Hyunggu still smelled of the mint he touched, even tasted of its freshness too as Yuto took his fingers in his mouth. Then hands started stroking him, gentle at first. All he thought about was to taste Hyunggu, feel his skin under his fingers and tongue. Hyunggu quickened the pace as Yuto's own breathing did. Hyunggu’s responses to moans and whispers against his skin were almost immediate. Lips moved down his torso, making him threw his head back in pure bliss.

“God you’re,” Yuto started but never got to finish his sentence as Hyunggu took him in his mouth.

And while doing so, licking his cock and then his balls, letting his hand and fingers take his mouth’s place before wet hunger took him again, Hyunggu looked at him, eyes too big and dark, full of a depth that made Yuto so dizzy he had to get a grip on Hyunggu’s hair and his sheets. He was close, and perhaps he told Hyunggu or perhaps Hyunggu understood it as he seemed to feel every beat and unspoken words, because he spoke.

“That’s okay.”

And took him back in, between his red, red lips, mischievous and pleased as he swallowed Yuto’s cum.

“Fuck, Hyunggu!” Yuto said, louder than whatever few words had been said between them.

Hearing his name made Hyunggu smile even more, happy with himself. As he lifted his hand to wipe his mouth, Yuto shook his head.

“Come here,” he said, low and out of breath, and because Hyunggu took too long, he rose to take Hyunggu’s hands and pull him in.

He tasted himself on warm lips and tongue, got a soft humming from Hyunggu. He fumbled with Hyunggu’s pants a little, still a bit shaken but determined in getting more pretty sounds coming from the mouth and throat and jaw he kissed.

“Pants,” he said, and Hyunggu helped him take his jeans off in two stolen kisses and a heartfelt laugh as Yuto struggled a few seconds.

Finally, Hyunggu sitting on his lap, head in the crook of his neck, both of them naked and surrounded of the sounds of skin on skin, of lips finding each other and musk and sweat and the faint memory of mint, he reached for Hyunggu’s hard cock. His strokes were a bit erratic, but the whimpers and soft yes coming from Hyunggu told him that he was doing good enough. And surely, after a few more bites on Hyunggu’s neck, a few more caresses on tender skin, he came on their bellies and chests, voice so hoarse and deep. Yuto gently laid him down, Hyunggu looking at him, surprised and curious before closing his eyes to breathe. It was maddening, how beautiful he looked in this mess, far gone to lust. Yuto licked him clean, took his time to let them regain themselves. When he was satisfied, he laid down next to him, spent.

“Hey,” Hyunggu called after a moment of silence.

Yuto turned his head towards him and was met with warm, kind eyes. Hyunggu stroked his cheek, and he couldn't help close his eyes. He felt him move closer to him, and Yuto welcomed him in his arms. He opened his eyes again and wished he could kiss those eyes and nose and red cheeks. But he wasn't too sure he could, not right now, and so he pushed that thought away. Instead, he brushed Hyunggu's hair away from his eyes. This earned him a dashing smile and his heart stilled for an entire second.  
Reality stepped in the room and broke through the haze of them when Hyunggu's phone buzzed. Hyunggu jumped to reply.

“Still around, Hyojong? Yeah, god, yeah stop being loud. Really? Hui must be happy.”

Under his expectant gaze, Hyunggu got up to get dressed after hanging up.

“Gotta go,” he said with a smile, quickly putting on his clothes. “Hongseok cooked for us tonight.”

Yuto replied with a nod. Hearing Hongseok’s made him aware of an odd emptiness in him.  Something confusing that he chose to ignore.

“Good luck on your paper,” Hyunggu cheered for him, checking himself in the mirror above his desk.

Yuto groaned, excessively. The main reason being that he wanted to hear Hyunggu laugh a bit more in this room.

The day after, Hyojong was too busy running around and Yuto too busy running away from him.   Avoiding Hyojong didn’t really come from a place of shame. More of awkwardness. Perhaps a little bit of shame because clearly, Hyojong knew what happened and Yuto wasn’t ready to meet his friend’s gaze. This lasted a few days, up until Hyojong came up to him once to talk about his schedule and other common topics. Hyunggu wasn’t brought up once between them and Yuto figured that his friend either forgot or avoided the topic altogether.  That was a small relief.  
That wasn’t the last time he saw Hyunggu, not at all. Actually, Hyunggu was the one to initiate contact after that one-time hookup, which Yuto was grateful for. The second time came four days later, with Hyunggu greeting him after one of his classes, a cup of coffee for Yuto and then a blow-job in an empty classroom. They talked some more. Third time was at Yuto’s place, after Hyunggu called him to complain about a choreography. Yuto invited him over, Yanan was still at work, and he comforted Hyunggu with what he could give. He didn’t count the times after.  
Hyunggu with Hongseok could still be seen together. There were sometimes love bites that Yuto never gave on Hyunggu’s skin.  At first, Yuto had been afraid to have Hongseok breathing in his neck, but nothing ever happened. The few times he encountered the both of them, Hongseok was nothing short of welcoming and sweet and Yuto wondered if it was a family trait. He assumed that Hyunggu didn’t tell anyone other than Hyojong and that was fine by him. After all, neither of them had Hyunggu and there was nothing more than hunger for skin in them. At least that’s what Yuto thought.  
Only Yanan knew, because one, Yanan wasn’t stupid, two, Yuto learned to never put it past him to bribe him with food. That time, it was with fried chicken and Yuto spilled every detail until Yanan’s curiosity was fed.

 

On a Thursday afternoon, two weeks later, as they were catching their breaths on Yuto’s bed, Hyunggu’s naked and warm body lying next to him, so close and yet almost out of reach - but that, he never let himself think too much about it - Hui called.

“Hi kid, up for coffee?”

Yuto’s drained voice sounded ridiculous.

“Well, I…”

“Tell Hyunggu to come as well,” Hui cut him off. How stupid of Yuto to think Hui would be left in the dark. “Hyo and I are on our way. I’ll send you the location!”

He turned his face towards Hyunggu who looked annoyed. Yuto wasn’t sure, because his arm was on his eyes and he only heard his voice.

"We’re taking a shower.”

That sounded like an order and an invitation at the same time. Yuto couldn’t help but smile and follow Hyunggu.

The coffeeshop was not far from his apartment. Their friends were already sat at a table, both of them on the couch - old men privilege they would argue if Hyunggu asked for a place there. Hui spotted them first and waved. Lifting his head up from his phone, Hyojong smiled at him. However, as his eyes landed on Hyunggu, Yuto thought he saw that smile falter. Beside him, Hyunggu didn’t seem to mind because he walked towards them confidently.  
They both sat down, Hyunggu already taking off his leather jacket. Yuto’s hands itched when Hyunggu’s shirt fell off his shoulder to reveal fresh marks but it would have looked too suspicious. He didn’t dare look at Hyojong.

“Didn’t order yet?” Hyunggu asked, looking at the empty table.

Hyojong shook his head. “We were waiting for you.”

There was an unmistakable edge to his words and yet, Hyunggu smiled sweetly.

“Come,” he said to Yuto who flashed him a deer caught in headlights look, surely.

“No,” Hui jumped in, getting up himself before Hyunggu did. “You and Hyojong, stay there. Yuto and I will go."

Yuto looked at all of them to evaluate the idea but Hui was already up and gesturing for him to follow along. Hyunggu was still impeccably smiling and he nodded, telling them what he wanted. There was a sudden coldness in his eyes and voice and Yuto’s mouth went dry.

“Didn’t think you’d befriend Hyunggu,” Hui finally spoke once they were queuing.

Yuto tried hard not to blush but that was a mistake - it never went well.

“He’s really kind,” he simply said.

From that distance, he could only see Hyojong’s face and he seemed tired but fine. The two of them were speaking.

“Yes, he is. Kind,” Hui repeated, unimpressed by Yuto's reply.  “He's like a baby brother to Hyo and I.”

“Is that a warning?” Yuto joked, hidding his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket.

“God no. Hyunggu does what he wants,” Hui explained. The queue moved and Hui looked amused by himself. “I mean does who he wants? Anyway, I’m just explaining why Hyojong looks a bit…”

“Tensed?”

It was their turn to order, which they did. Hyunggu liked his coffee rich and sweet, he had previously learned. They were given a pager but Hui moved to the end of the bar to wait there.

“Tensed, yeah,” Hui muttered before yawning. “Let's say that.”

Pointing a thumb to the general direction of their table, Yuto asked. “Are they fighting?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Hui dismissed it with a simple wave of his hands.

The barista was going fast behind the counter, calling names after names. Yuto made an accidental eye contact with her and she offered a polite but tired smile. He mouthed a good luck and the smile looked more genuine.

“You do know that Hyunggu and Hongseok are still,” Hui started, hesitating on finishing that sentence.

But Yuto saved him or saved himself, he didn’t really know. “I do. That’s okay.”

The pager in his hand vibrated and they looked up to the barista to take their tray.

“Enjoy,” she told them before telling her coworker that she was off in a few minutes.

He took their drinks and looked at Hui. He looked exhausted as well and Yuto felt bad for not noticing sooner.

“When is the bar exam?”

“January,” Hui sighed. They were still not moving to their table. Hui was buying them time. “Public law’s first.”

“So, Hyojong can finally kill Junseo in what, February?” He joked and Hui laughed loud.

“With how things are going, I think Hyojong will get out of here before he commits a crime,” Hui announced with a hushed excitement. “Hyojong’s friend tried calling him this morning but he forgot his phone at home when he went to work. I picked up the call because I knew it was important. He got the job.”

The news almost made him drop the drinks. “Wait, really? Does he know?”

Hui shook his head. “No, I want him to hear it first. I told his friend to call him later. I hope he doesn’t call him now though.”

“Maybe that would be a good thing if he called now,” Yuto said after looking back at their table. “I think we should go. No one ordered iced coffee.”

They came back to their table. Yuto and his friends made most of the talking, while Hyunggu was visibly keeping silent. He didn’t know what was going on between the two. But if he feared that he was the reason of the tension, it didn’t really feel so. Hyojong chatted with him like he usually did. A few times, Yuto almost reached to nudge Hyunggu a little but paused midway. He wasn’t sure if he had the right to, right now. Wasn’t sure if Hyunggu needed him in that way. However, he was sure that if he were someone else, he could have provided comfort. He tried not to be affected by it. 

Hyojong heard the news that night, as they were all at Yuto’s - minus Hyunggu who went home to work on a paper. Yuto suspected that he fled more than anything but he had no say.

“You knew.” Yanan told Hui and the latter wasn’t fast enough to deny it.

Luckily enough, Hyojong was too happy to really pay attention. Yanan ordered food while Hyojong and Hui were already talking about a celebratory party.

“We should do one for the both of us, when you get your license,” Hyojong said.

“But it’s in three months and nothing says that I’ll pass.”

“Well then, my dude! You’re a party pooper if you don’t become a lawyer.”

In the midst of it all, Yuto got reminded of his own path and it took him a moment to get a grip and not slip into shallow breathing. Yanan saw him, from the corner of his eyes and frowned, but Yuto waved it off and just said that he was tired. It did not fool his friend but now wasn’t the time to talk about it, and so he just waited for the wave to pass.

 

Mid-october left nothing of summer’s warmth, except for the vivid colors of leaves. Except for that and Hyunggu’s body against his, many times a week. An everlasting summer when they would meet and Yuto burned himself on everything: his loud laughs and the deep breaths he instilled in him.  
Hyunggu was a hungry flame with a million questions. Confiding in him felt secure and good; Hyunggu’s attention on each word that came out was sincere and encouraging. It came as a surprise even though it should not have had. Hyunggu offered a glimpse of that on the rooftop, among Hyojong’s garden. Hyunggu did not fake interest. He gave his time, fully, and it showed in how he moved and talked, in how he sat down, so tired from pleasure or dance practice, next to his friends and never avoided eyes. Hyunggu was a dancer after all. Every beat in whispers and words and unspoken needs, he missed none of it.  
For all that kindness, Yuto fed the flame he borrowed so much warmth from; by always taking the time to trace patterns on skin with fingers and lips and tongue. By always covering him with a sincere, protective gaze.

 

 

Flower patterns were in this year. Hyojong was going around, telling everyone that finally, his time had come. He saw him coming back from work with different little flower ornaments for his shoes that he tucked in nicely, depending on his mood. Flowers also suited someone else and Yuto often found himself putting pieces for Hyunggu on hold.

“This hoodie’s nice,” Hyunggu’s voice rose from behind curtains.

Even if he wasn’t working that day, he came in with Hyunggu to show him the three items he put aside. He shouldn't be helping, but it was a bad day, the store was understaffed and the poor new recruit didn’t look like she was doing too well in the men’s section with the influx of people coming in and out and dropping everything on her cleaning table – or just in the fitting rooms they left. He looked at her to see if she was okay.

“You’re not supposed to help,” she told him, feeling bad. Hyunggu called his name again. “Go, it’s okay!”

He did, not without putting back another pair of pants on the appropriate horse. Hyunggu’s head was poking through the curtains, sporting the face of a child that had been ignored for far too long.

“It’s cute isn’t it?”

Hyunggu emerged from the room, wearing the rich oversized yellow knit and washed blue jeans overalls that made Yuto think of him. He couldn’t help but smile at him, because yes, yes, that was cute, and god, Yuto wanted to squish him tight. 

“It’s not?” Hyunggu pouted, looking at himself in the mirror.

Yuto was quick to reassure him. “No, no, it’s adorable! You’re adorable.”

As soon as the compliment rolled down from his tongue, Yuto’s heart jumped against his ribcage. The genuine, happy sound that escaped Hyunggu’s own mouth did not help the obnoxious beating of his heart. Hyunggu gave him a kiss on the cheek and a thank you and Yuto could hear the blood rushing in his veins; there was a little bit of mockery in there.

 

Yanan and Changgu’s storyline was slow paced. Agonizingly so, in Yuto's opinion. Their love became so loud that everyone could tell. Even themselves. Hyunggu had been right: both of them needed to come around it in their own time. Yanan realized that Changgu’s kindness had its very own color and shape when it came to him, and Changgu caught and deciphered the longing in Yanan’s eyes. Yet, they were still hesitant.

“Do you think we can help them now,” Yuto asked as they were sitting in the growing garden. The initiative had caught to the other tenants as well by now.

The question came as Yanan rambled on the phone some hours ago that unrequited wasn’t a word to describe their bond.

Hyunggu looked up from his notepad where he was coming up with a new choreography.

“Who?”

“Yanan and Changgu.”

“Oh,” Hyunggu said with a smile, pinching Yuto’s nose before going back to his work. “Don’t be impatient.”

The red setting sun brought rich purple reflects in Hyunggu’s hair and it made Yuto smile. He was wearing the jeans jacket Yuto found for him. It had purple and gold flowers embroidered on the sleeves. Since Hyunggu often forgot it here, it pleasantly smelled of them both.

“Don’t look at me like that. I won’t help you,” Hyunggu warned, eyes still on his work.

It took him a while to understand what Hyunggu was alluding to – Yanan and Changgu, and Yuto’s urge to play fate. Not far from them, Hyojong was sharing all his knowledge to the nice, silent widower that lived in the apartment below. Shinwon was here as well because he wanted to see for himself what this was all about. A yell followed by laughter broke Hyunggu’s concentration and he instinctively turned to the source of  it.

"Shinwon come on you're going to disturb the plants!" Hyojong huffed, hands on hips, looking fed up.

"There was a bug on my nose," Shinwon yelled, disgusted.

Hyojong looked offended. "That was a tiny ladybug. Ladybugs are our friends."

The widower was still laughing, a very contagious laugh that paired with the scene, got to Yuto as well. In the corner of his eyes, he caught Hyunggu staring at him with a fondness that made Yuto raise his eyebrows. 

"Nothing. I just love hearing you laugh," Hyunggu disclosed with ease.

And god, Yuto yearned to kiss him right there.

 

The nickname he gave Hyunggu was revealed by Hui, accidentally, and to be fair, Yuto was surprised it did not get out sooner. Yuto was in his friends’ living room to help Hui study. It mainly consisted in Hui reciting by heart the notes Yuto held.

“Wait, who’s Violet boy,” Hui asked, prying eyes on Yuto’s phone screen.

They heard footsteps coming from the kitchen, Hyojong coming out of there, a bag of chips in his hands. Hyojong had resigned a week after receiving the good news and was satisfied to see Junseo’s tight smile on his last day. Wooseok cried a little, because he was a soft-hearted kid and had been rewatching the finale of FullMetal Alchemist the night before which, Wooseok confessed, had not been his greatest idea. That bit of information was disclosed to Yuto and Hyuna who looked at him in pure disbelief before a fit of laughter took over the both of them and they collapsed on the staff room’s couch.

“It’s Hyunggu, isn’t it?”

Yuto blushed and swatted them away. “You cited the wrong date, Hui.”

Hyunggu and Hongseok came back from class a little later and despite Yuto’s insistent stare, Hui couldn’t help himself.

“Hyunggu, did you save yourself as Violet boy on Yuto’s phone?”

Hyunggu looked at Yuto, a curious expression on his face.

"What? No.”

Next to him, Hongseok was laughing. That’s when Yuto saw Hyunggu holding Hongseok’s arm. He looked away and his eyes landed on Hyojong who was sitting on the ground, going over some work for a shooting ad. The tight lips and annoyed face threw Yuto off.

“Your attention is wavering Lee Hoetaek,” Hongseok announced, leaving Hyunggu’s side to sit on the couch next to Hui. He extended his hand. “I’m delivering you, my poor boy.”

He offered a kind, dashing smile to Yuto who had no strength to oppose him. He handed him the notes and left the flat a few minutes later, not feeling like lingering around too much. Hyunggu texted him that night, asking if the nickname was true, and Yuto sent a screenshot of his contact list.  That made Hyunggu happy, somehow. The next time he saw him, he got a hug and made the promise not to change it.

 

Around late october, he got a call to set a date for a job interview. Call that he missed, as he was on a neverending five-hour shift. He didn't call back immediately and ignored it for a good two days. Everytime he thought about calling back, words stood him up and he felt ashamed.  
  
While Hermione, Ron and Harry saved Buck from a cruel and unfair death, Hyunggu’s lips were on his and his hands worked the buttons of his jeans. It was almost five in the afternoon and Yanan wasn't coming home soon - or so he hoped. He was breaking the rule of keeping these things in their rooms but he was fairly certain Yanan broke it first.

“Fuck you're so hard,” Hyunggu breathed.

Yuto hummed as he helped him take his jeans off. Hyunggu was working fast, palming him through his boxer briefs.

At first, he didn't hear his phone buzz, too immersed in Hyunggu’s smell and touches. It's Hyunggu who pointed it out.

“Maybe you should answer,” he said in between kisses.

Yuto dismissed it with a shrug.  “Not right now.”

He tried ignoring it but in the corner of his eyes, he saw the number and god did he damned himself for recognizing it. Something must have given it away because Hyunggu stopped what he was doing, visibly concerned.

“Yuto, answer.”

He propped himself up on his elbows. “I don't know who that is. They’ll call back if that's important.”

Hyunggu’s eyes were sharp and clear. “You’re a bad liar, my dude.”

Frustrated, he seethed, each syllables strained. “I told you. Everything’s okay.”

He was hard and hot and his chest was feeling tight. He was being stupidly stubborn and afraid. After a few more seconds, the buzzing died down. Hyunggu’s eyes were fixated on him for the whole time.

“What the fuck?”

Yuto squeezed his eyes. “Nothing, it's nothing.”

The weight of Hyunggu shifted then disappeared. Surprised, he opened his eyes to see him putting his shirt back on, sitting in between Yuto’s legs.

“It was for an internship,” he spurred out. Hyunggu tilted his head on the side, looking confused.

“Okay?”

What he was trying to say flew right past Hyunggu, and to be fair, past Yuto as well. He felt himself get antsy and lost. He sat up from his position, feeling too bare and out of place. Hyunggu was still sitting there, patiently waiting for him to say something more. Probably wondering if Yuto was going to give him much more.

“That’s the thing Yanan and I fought about,” he admitted, avoiding Hyunggu’s stare as he pursued. “He actually helped me with that. I mean, he, he had contacts and I told him not to give my resume before I make up my own mind. He didn’t listen. I just…”

Hyunggu’s lips were tight shut, big eyes not leaving Yuto, as if they searched and followed the path of words - the ones already gone and those not even born yet. Yuto’s fingers felt cold. Darkness bit his ears and brain and slowly swallowed him. Of all things, it wasn’t something he wanted to show Hyunggu.

“Why are you so absolutely afraid,” Hyunggu asked, soft voice trying to bring him back. “This is a good opportunity, Yuto.”

“I don’t know,” he replied, too fast. Hyunggu did not get startled, or, at least, hid it well.

Yuto closed his eyes, trying to get a grip and not miss any step in the grand staircase of the mind - there was a light that went out and he just needed to switch it back on, he repeated himself. But it was so dark in there, so dark. The air was too heavy to breathe in.

"Yuto, I think you need to talk. Not to me necessarily, but with Yanan, maybe, if you,” Hyunggu trailed off. “If you trust him more. Talk about it with him. He knows you.”

As soon as the words escaped Hyunggu’s mouth, he tore his eyes off from the wall in front of him. He hoped to find kind and welcoming eyes and sure he found it all. He also saw something else; caution or hurt or a little bit of both. Between them, he discovered the gap those words dug. Instinctively, he reached for Hyunggu in the ways that he knew how to - kisses and skin on skin. Hyunggu let him.

 

The atmosphere at the café Changgu worked at was nice enough to study and the drinks half-priced since they knew Changgu -  that was non-negligible. Yuto was trying to revise for that law mid-term that was driving him absolutely mad. Yanan was sitting next to Hyunggu, waiting for Changgu to end his shift. He had an absolutely stupid distracted smile on his face when Changgu wasn’t looking and Yuto made him believe he was drooling a few times - and each time, Yanan bought into it and pinched him hard.

“Yuto, ask for help,” Hyunggu advised after hearing him sigh for the emptieth time. He looked exhausted from his dance practice, barely touching his own drink and still managed to look concerned for Yuto. “Hui would help you.”

“Yeah, Hui could honestly,” Yanan chimed in. “I told you not to take that law course though.”

“I needed extra credit.” His notes meant nothing as he read them. He rubbed his eyes. “Hui has enough on his plate right now.”

The bells above the door of the coffeeshop tingled, and Hyunggu perked up immediately.

“Hongseok!” Hyunggu was waving at his friend, almost bouncing on his chair.

His stomach twisted a bit as he turned around to see Hongseok wave back at them. The boy mouthed that he was going to queue before joining them. Hyunggu took Yuto’s hand and whispered.

“Why don’t you ask Hongseok?.”

“Don’t bother him,” he said shutting down the idea immediately.

No one at their table could ignore the coldness in his voice. It surprised Yanan and Hyunggu who kept shut until Hongseok sat next to him, arm finding its way around Hyunggu's shoulder. Yuto did not like the light that shone in Hyunggu’s eyes, did not like the taste of ash in his mouth.

“Hi Yuto, hi Yanan,” he greeted them, and there was no denial that Yanan was more at ease around him but still cautious and shy.

They were childhood friends and all that it entailed. True, they were a bit more but Hyunggu had told him that Hongseok did not love him and it was clear that it was true. Still, they were friends whose bodies molded into each other with too much ease. Yuto focused back on his notes, cancelling out all noises that Hongseok got out of Hyunggu. He was no more than a borrower of fire and it was already enough.

 

Some days later, it started with his chest feeling heavy and his mind racing. It had been a full week since that call. It didn’t sit well within him. He could hear the rushing thoughts but not the words themselves. The day started roughly but his three-hour shift got his mind off of it for a while and he thought he was all good. Sometimes it happened; it would start like that, with or without a reason, but he suspected there was one or several this time, and it dissipated throughout the day as long as he kept himself busy.  
As soon as he got home, it was around five in the afternoon, he debated on making himself food. He still felt a bit nauseous and uncomfortable, and nothing appealed to him at the moment. So he decided against it, not wanting to push himself too much, and blaming it on his fatigue, before plopping down on the couch to turn on some netflix shows.  
After a few minutes of watching tv, he realized that he was paying no attention to it. It started again, this time, he felt hot flashes spreading through his body as if he was going to get very sick. At this exact moment, the front door opened, followed by Yanan’s voice calling him.  
Yuto’s throat closed on him and all of his being screamed at him to run away, but his body felt too weak and heavy. Footsteps got closer, and Yanan stepped in the living room, untying his tie, still talking on the phone. Time lost itself in Yuto’s mind as soon as he made eye contact with Yanan and he felt himself falter. In no time, Yanan was rushing by his side.

“Yuto, hey, hey,” Yanan’s voice broke through the thick haze. “Breathe with me okay?”

He wasn’t lost and yet he wasn’t there. He was all around all at once and it was hard to speak. But his friend’s familiar voice guided him through breathing and he followed, instinctively. Four seconds in, seven seconds hold, then eight out. And he repeated that again and again. Yanan’s arms were around him, rubbing his back.

“It’s okay, I’m right there,” Yanan whispered fondly. No irritation, no coldness in Yanan’s tone. And yet, guilt and embarrassment froze his heart.

“I’m sorry,” Yuto repeated. “This is so stupid. I’m so sorry.”

Hands framed his face and their warmth eased him. He looked into Yanan’s eyes. “I promise you this is not stupid, even if it feels like it. It is not. It’s okay.”

Yanan was here.

“I’m going to fix us some tea, okay,” Yanan told him. It was a gentle warning to say he was going away. When Yuto nodded, he got up. “I’ll be back in a few seconds. Have you eaten anything today?”

Yuto tried to remember. No. He hadn’t been able to feed himself anything. Yuto felt cold and so he wrapped himself in the blanket they left on the couch. His friend came back with tea, a banana and a warm embrace. Silence followed, them cuddled on the couch.

“I’m feeling a bit sick”, he told Yanan.

“You haven’t eaten all day and you’re anxious.” Yanan reminded him. “Let’s go to bed, alright?”

He nodded and followed him to Yanan’s room. Yanan was there. It was okay. They got under the covers after Yanan put his tea on the bedside table next to him. Yanan was lying beside him, eyes looking at him nibbling at his poor banana. The waves were coming in less strong each time. He felt like he could breathe a little easier. He was absolutely exhausted.

Yanan frowned. “Tell me, your family’s okay?”

“Yes,” he replied. “They’re okay.”

“Good,” Yanan let out the breath he was apparently holding in. “So what is it Yuto? You know you can trust me right?”

“I don’t deserve you.”

Tears fell down, finally. It was always the final stage: his mind eased and he could finally let himself cry it out. Yanan hugged him, resting his head on top of his.

“It’s not true, Yuto”, he whispered. “You do, you absolutely do.”

“You tried helping me and I fucked up,” he choked on his sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“What’s going on,” Yanan asked again, and he was almost pleading him to talk.

God it was stupid, how lost he felt, how he could not handle a single thing that life threw at him. What was there to talk about, he thought. What could he even tell Yanan that made any sense and excused his childish behaviour?

“Is it about that internship Yuto?”

The question made him broke into louder sobs. Yanan’s embrace loosened, enough for him to look at Yuto’s mess of a face.

“Yuto, it’s just an internship,” he said. “If they didn’t call you back, that’s fine. You’ll try harder and I’ll help you.”

Yuto shook his head. “They called. They did call.”

There was a pause, followed by utter confusion on Yanan’s face. “But that’s great I…”

“Yanan I can’t do it,” Yuto blurted out. “I can’t do a single thing. I’m mediocre at everything I do. My parents are breaking their backs and I’m here, barely holding it. I’m only doing good because you’re here, holding my fucking hands like I’m a child. I’m always second best at everything. I just...”

“Yuto,” Yanan stopped him. His voice was kind but firm and Yuto blinked at him. “Who do you think helped me get my jobs? Why do you think I’m here sitting on my ass, pursuing a master’s degree? My parents have money and contacts. That’s how it fucking works, Yuto. I’m a good student but I’m also privileged. And if I can share what I have with you, I will, because you’re a working kid that deserves it.”

Yanan marked another pause before shushing Yuto again. “Yuto, I’m helping you because I love you and that’s what friends do. Your parents paid for your studies because they love you and want you to have the best opportunities in life. You’re a good fucking child and a good fucking friend and a good fucking human. Nothing’s been handed to you, you big idiot. I’m not the one holding your damn pen when you’re taking exams.”

He sniffled, avoiding Yanan’s eyes.

“If the company called you, it means you have something and they want it. The work field is different from college and papers and all that university bullshit, Yuto. And if you don’t think it’s a good fucking place for you, then nothing will hold you back there. You’re young. You’re graduating in a year." Yanan paused for a second, a little out of breath. "You still have time to figure things out and I’ll help you out with it.”

“But Yanan you don’t have to,” he whispered, sobs going down a bit.

“Good, you’ve got that part. The following part is that I love you, that’s why I’m here, doing things for you.” Yanan wiped Yuto’s cheeks and smiled softly. “How long have you been holding these thoughts you absolute weeb?”

“Stop calling me that! I’m Japanese,” he protested.

Calm regained Yuto progressively as Yanan's laughter filled the room. 

“I don’t need you to believe me now,” Yanan said. “It'll take time, Yuto, for things to fall into place. And that's okay. But please, I beg you: open up to me, Yuto.”

“So you can tell me how stupid my thoughts are?” Yuto joked now that he was at ease.

Yanan hit Yuto on the arm but there was no qualm. They stayed in bed a little while, talking and talking until Yuto’s heart was raw and painful and Yanan made him promise to talk to him and his parents. Eventually, fatigue dried their minds completely and they ended up sleeping in Yanan’s bed. His last thought was of Hyunggu, and how often, he was right.

 

“I have a job interview on friday morning,” he told Hyunggu, careful to watch his reaction.

After his heart-to-heart with Yanan, he called the company back. They had been waiting for his reply and he counted himself lucky for that. Hyunggu was sitting on Yuto’s bed, reviewing a practice video, only wearing one of his hoodies that was too big on him but made him look absolutely perfect. Hyunggu teared his gaze away from his computer, taking a moment before the words hit him. His eyes grew big and shiny and he yelled.

“Really? You’re going to kill it, Yuto! I'm so proud of you.”

The reaction was sincere and sweet. Yuto grinned. “Yanan’s going to help me get prepared.”

“Good! I don’t have any classes this friday, so I can come with you,” Hyunggu suggested before biting down on his lips. “I mean, only if you want me to of course! But I’ll buy you coffee afterwards.”

He looked at him, so fond, so elated by such simple words, and he nodded.

"If it doesn't bother you, I'd love to."

It blew his mind, how Hyunggu's smile made him taste honey on his tongue. 

 

Getting a hold of Hyojong was more difficult these days. He was moving a lot, sometimes gone for entire days to assist shootings, running back and forth between locations, making sure his boss had everything available. It was hard and demanding both physically and mentally, but he had never seen Hyojong so positively determined in the few years of friendship they had, and so, while still keeping an eye on him, Yuto was okay having to talk more through text messages rather than to his face.  
With that came Hyojong’s reduced time for his hobby but luckily, the third floor widower took it upon himself to check on Hyojong’s children.  
So, when Hyojong asked him on one of his days off if he could come over, Yuto didn’t feel any remorse as he closed his textbooks and computer and welcomed his friend in his apartment. He made them tea to bring on the roof. Hearing his friend apologize multiple times to plants was an entire experience but he was used to it. Yuto sat on the ground, and his mind wandered to the sleeping Hyunggu he left in his room. 

“I need to thank Gyungho,” Hyojong told him, hands in soil to move his clematis to a bigger pot. "He did such a great job! He's really got the knack for it."

He was sitting in front of Yuto, on a white tiny chair he brought over some times ago. Since Yuto didn't reply, Hyojong went further.

“Gyungho, your nice neighbour." He lifted the now empty pot and set it aside. “I don’t know what I’m going to put in that now.”

“Oh,” Yuto commented, bringing his knees to himself. “You’re on first name basis now? The relationship’s moving fast.”

“At least, someone loves me enough to take care of my children.”

Yuto moved his ten fingers in the air. “We love you a lot. That’s why we don’t want your plants to die by our hands.”

“Fair enough,” Hyojong conceded. He then got up to find the manure he brought with him.

He looked at the darkening skies above and tried remembering if rain was to come soon.

“Hyunggu has potential though,” Yuto thought out loud. "He actually knows quite a bit about gardening."

“Yeah but Hyunggu is an absolute idiot who doesn't know what he wants to do so there’s that,” Hyojong dropped from his scathing tongue.

It took him by surprise. This was a bit of a stretch right now.  Yuto straightened himself a little bit, trying to read on his friend’s closed face.

“I'm sorry but are you mad at him for some reason?”

Hyojong sighed. “I’m not mad at the kid.”

“Is it because of me?” Yuto asked, confused.

From that day in the café, it was clear that Hyojong still held some grudge against Hyunggu. It had been almost two months since then and it was rare to see the both of them together, alone. Yuto didn’t know why or what was the reason and thought it was just a fight between friends, nothing more.

“Is it, Hyojong?” He reiterated as Hyojong left him with nothing but silence. “Because if it is, I…”

“It’s not you, Yuto,” someone cut them off and Hyojong froze in place.

Hyunggu was behind them, arms around himself as he faced the cold autumn breeze in one of Yuto’s hoodie. Yuto blushed from having been heard - and also because he looked gorgeous. The roundness of sleep was nowhere to be found on him - cold eyes and sharp tight jaw, focused on Hyojong who was glaring at him. Yuto felt out of place.

“I’m going home. Hongseok needs help,” Hyunggu announced and Yuto’s heart dropped a little.

Hyojong’s mouth twitched. “Sure. Hongseok needs help.”

The pungent smell of overworked soil and acidic words filled Yuto’s mind. Hurt flashed in Hyunggu’s eyes.

“Okay Hyunggu,” he piped up, feeling obliged to say something. “Go home safely.”

It wasn’t much but it eased the tension a little. Hyunggu left. After he did, Yuto stared at Hyojong who simply resumed his task without a word. He was too dumbfounded to say anything really but something pushed him to speak up and ask.

"Hyojong, he's your friend."

"I know," Hyojong sighed. He sounded frustrated and sad. "I know and that's why I'm like that."

A loud noise followed the sentence which was leading to something that Yuto feared. A strong wind had knocked an empty pot over and they both looked at each other. Hyojong seemed to search for words, but he resigned himself to silence and it drove Yuto mad. But he kept silent, because truly, nothing indicated that it was time for him to get the answers. Perhaps the wind was telling him to wait. And so he did, shivering in his jacket.

 

Clarity fell upon him; Hyunggu was a sharp burning blade, so pliant under and above him, and Yuto cut himself open on him. He realized it too late perhaps, because he saw no blood coming out of the wounds when he did. It explained many thoughts and impulses; how he longed to hold him, not as a friend and in many more ways than pure lustful, short, nights. It explained why he minded, absolutely minded, Hongseok’s hands on Hyunggu’s waist and all the secrets these two held. Jealousy made him selfish but only in the darkness of his mind, because he knew that he and Hyunggu were nothing more than friends sharing beds. Parts of Hyunggu were not things to possess, Yuto knew that much. Borrowing time and warmth, that was all Hyunggu gave him and it was already more than he expected.  
Sitting in the dance practice room Hyunggu gave classes in, Yuto pushed his textbook away from him. He had barely slept that night and the stress from the job interview he had this morning was finally coming down, leaving him unfocused and exhausted. Music was still blasting and Hyunggu still rehearsing for an audition he was preparing himself for. A year was how long Hyunggu left home to perfect his dancing. Yuto envied Hyunggu’s energy and admired his dedicated heart that still strived for dreams, even after giving dancing classes for an entire day. He envied anyone that captured it. His knees against his chest, he watched Hyunggu dance, welcomed the peace that gave him nonetheless. His mind traveled to those who once fell in love with Hyunggu; because Yuto wasn’t sure of a lot of things, but he was certain that he hadn’t been the only one that Hyunggu let in.

Yanan and Changgu were a nice, cute couple, a bit chaotic at times because Yanan was still Yanan, and Changgu a lively-but-knew-when-to-be calm, collected boy and somehow, it was enough to find middleground. It was good, to see and hear no more longing and doubts in Yanan’s eyes. Sometimes, Yuto checked his own reflection to look for that same yearning that once was in his friend’s eyes. He wanted to know if it colored his own too now. It was ridiculous, he thought, because all of this, the yearning, the longing, the need for more, that couldn’t possibly show. But if it did, he couldn’t help but wonder, if it did, could Hyunggu see? Sometimes, he would find an answer, cruel and wounding, and it told him that Hyunggu couldn’t when his own were on someone else only. Such thoughts crossed his mind as Hyunggu danced, until he fell asleep on the floor.

“Am I that boring?” Hyunggu asked, half-laughing, half-whining, as Yuto blearily looked at him.

Hyunggu had woken him up, all soft voice and still very red cheeks. Yuto sat up, slowly, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes – with no success.

“Come on, you’ve had a long day,” Hyunggu told him. “Let’s go home.”

When he opened his eyes again to see Hyunggu, the latter had a small smile tugging at his lips, the initial pout completely gone and replaced by that fondness that Yuto called himself lucky to receive. They went to Yuto and Yanan, who was still at work, and they settled on the couch with snacks that Yuto’s mother sent over a few days earlier. He fell asleep again, Hyunggu's lap under his head as Harry Potter was playing for the ninth time this year perhaps - not that he minded. He couldn’t help but feel teeth sinking in the flesh of his heart when he woke up alone, a simple note from Hyunggu telling him that he went back home because Hongseok needed him.

 

Mesmerizing, the way Hyunggu moved his hips, the shadows on his face as Yuto was buried deep inside him. One of his hands was going up and down Hyunggu's cock, the other holding Hyunggu's right thigh, feeling the smoothness of skin and firmness of years of discipline.

“Come down here,” Yuto commanded, missing the feeling of lips against his and Hyunggu obeyed.

He came first inside of him, stuttering hips and sharp moans, and then Hyunggu came inside his mouth, face covered behind his hands. They laid down, and Yuto kissed him. An obnoxiously long kiss.

“We need to breathe,” Hyunggu laughed, breaking the exchange.

Yuto laughed too and he dared rest his forehead against Hyunggu's. He wondered if Hongseok did that. If Hongseok ever told himself, how lucky he was to touch and kiss and get lost in Hyunggu. Yuto moved his face to plant a kiss on Hyunggu’s neck, then shoulder. Hyunggu laughed.

“We need to get going,” he reminded Yuto. “Changgu and Yanan are going to be here any minute and we don't want them to know we lied when we said we never fucked on the couch.”

Hyunggu’s fingers played with his hair, sending shivers down his spine and Yuto kissed his shoulder again.

“I'm going to make a movie about them and title it Six months to say I love you,” Yuto laughed and Hyunggu hit him, without strength, on his chest.

“Leave them alone!” Hyunggu reprimanded him.

A pout was slowly forming on Hyunggu's face - because he wasn't always charming the world with a smile. He had many ways of doing so. It hit Yuto, while taking in the sight, how he could confess to him too, right now. Instead he smiled, softly. If he was mocking Yanan and Changgu, then he was ridiculing himself as well. But Hyunggu didn’t know that.

“I’m happy for them,” Hyunggu finally said. “I’m happy, truly, that they can love each other openly."

Nothing betrayed that Hyunggu was lying. No, it wasn't about lies, when Hyunggu closed his eyes, curtains were pulled back around him. Hiding behind them, Hyunggu was saying many, many things, but Yuto couldn't hear anything. Couldn't make out the words but he could hear a name. Yuto suspected it wasn't his. 

 

His parents sounded disappointed when he told them that he couldn’t come this winter because he did get that internship after all and was going to work for the entire winter break. They were sad but comprehensive and they told him how proud they were. He promised to call them often and keep them updated. He was a little relieved, a little pained, because as much as they took the news better than expected, Yuto knew they missed him and he wasn’t helping at all with that. When he ended the call, Hyunggu was coming out of the kitchen, a bowl of cereals in hands and going straight for a place next to Yuto on the couch. It was a cold November morning, so Yuto had brought his comforter with him to the couch that morning and Hyunggu fit himself right under it as well.

“’Told your parents about your change of plans?”

He had no work today but as finals were approaching again, a neverending cycle, Yuto needed to put that time into revising. Yanan who was done with his internship and now taking some time for himself to study and research, was still very much asleep.

“Yeah,” Yuto responded, reaching for his cup on the coffee table. Television was nothing but background noises – he wasn’t really sure Hyunggu would care about the octopus mating season.

“They took it that bad?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “No. They understood. I just feel bad, because at least, when I come back in the winter, they get to celebrate the holidays and my birthday with me.”

Hyunggu munched on his cereals, looking vaguely at the television screen. “Sometimes I forget, that you and I were born a few days apart.”

“Wooseok too,” he added before taking a sip of his coffee.

His call had lasted long enough for it to cool down to the perfect temperature.

"Although sometimes I’m not sure he’s really the same age as us.”

“Hum, society made me older than him,” Hyunggu corrected him, spoon in the air. “You should both treat me as such.”

Yuto scoffed. “Between us and you, who truly looks older?”        

Hyunggu hit Yuto’s lips with his spoon. “Hey, I’m decently tall. You just didn’t get the memo that you need to stop at some point.”

“You know how Yanan described you to Wooseok for the first time,” Yuto reminisced, amused by the memory. “Pretty but short.”

Yuto would have added many more adjectives, even more as he learnt to know many more things about Hyunggu.

“Well, I’m not completely mad at that,” Hyunggu conceded between two bites. “Was it after we met at the convenient store?”

The mischievous spark in his eyes made Yuto regret even sharing that. He bought time by drinking on his coffee but Hyunggu’s smile grew gigantic and he started poking him on the cheek with his spoon.

“It was then. Where you calling me Violet boy, already?”

Coffee took the wrong pipe and Yuto coughed it out, staining his cover. Hyunggu looked at him, bewildered, before offering a hand and rubbing his back. It took him a few seconds to go back to normal and he gave a shamed look to Hyunggu who was, again, smiling, pleased.

Yuto blushed, but he hoped it would meld in with him almost choking to death. He noticed that a faint blush colored Hyunggu’s cheeks. He was also avoiding eyes.

“I like that nickname, you know that,” Hyunggu said, eating his cereals, eyes now on the television showing corals. “I like it a lot.”

 

Somewhere in the following weeks, Yuto made an observation: Hyunggu was with him, a lot. To be absolutely honest, Yuto liked it a lot too. They wouldn’t do much, wouldn’t do each other all the time, would just share walks and coffees and talks and jokes. For Yuto, that was everything he needed. From that first observation came a second one: Hyunggu and Hongseok were not a recurring sight anymore. Maybe he imagined it, Yuto didn’t really know about that, or maybe was he just seeing what his selfish eyes wanted to see. They were still talking, for sure. Still seeing each other. But he felt a strain, an awkwardness that wasn’t there before. Yuto tried to hear any sadness coming from Hyunggu’s heart; he would rest his head on Hyunggu’s chest sometimes, but there was no broken chord in there. It was in his eyes, then, and sure, it was. It wasn’t pure, heart wrenching pain, but it still was; a thought passing through Hyunggu’s mind that would blow on the light. Yuto had to call him back often; _Hyunggu, Hyunggu, Hyunggu_ , and Hyunggu would snap out of it fast, offering the best of smiles to him. What Yuto never asked after his _Hyunggu, Hyunggu, Hyunggu_ , was what name was on his mind.

 

After his first week of internship, Hyunggu came to fetch him, pretty in a dark purple coat and his infamous overalls. Yuto had passed his exams. Yanan as well. Hyunggu just graduated and didn’t know that his roommates were throwing him a party later that night, in the garden more precisely. Hyojong’s very own idea.

“We’ll put lights! It’s going to be stunning!”

No one said anything because truly, no one could contradict Hyojong’s visions unless they had a solid plan themselves.  
There was still tiptoeing and uncomfortable looks between the two friends, for whatever reasons that still escaped Yuto’s realm of knowledge, but there was never hatred or faked kindness. Hyunggu would accompany Hyojong at early hours for a shoot. He gave a hand with the many luggages and Hyojong made sure the kid was never late for university or never going out without his god damned scarf.

The one he was wearing right now, was Yuto’s – to be exact, it was Yanan’s, that Yuto never returned. It was fine by all of them. Hyunggu asked him about his week, his new coworkers, how he felt. And Yuto told him the truth: he felt positive about it. People were nice to him and welcoming and patient as he was still learning. He did not have fixed hours per se, sometimes didn’t have much work, but he was observing. New coworkers seemed to like him.

“How could they not,” Hyunggu exclaimed, tugging on Yuto’s arm. “You’re the sweetest bub.”

Yuto scrunched his nose. “You saw Hyuna lately, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” Hyunggu admitted, giggling. “But she’s right. You are.”

He was happy that the party was taking place tonight; he missed seeing Hyuna and Wooseok - but not picking up and folding clothes and giving change, that was for sure. He hadn’t resigned per se, his old job would always take him back after if he needed to. And as much as he had originally thought about working two jobs, Yanan stopped him before he gave any decisions.

“I know you’re in the process of learning to give yourself room and time,” Yanan had said. “So I’m here to remind you that you don’t have to overwork yourself, son.”

As always, Yanan was right. He was already exhausted after an entire week. He would have burned himself if he worked on weekends. Some students did it, though, he thought sometimes, feeling guilty for not kicking his own ass and push a little past the fatigue. He was starting to fear about money, too. He still had to pay rent, still had to save to one day repay his parents. He told that to Hui, this time.

“Yuto you’re doing more than enough already,” Hui said to him, appalled by Yuto’s worries.

“You don’t understand Hui I…” Yuto trailed off, anxiously twisting his fingers and bouncing his leg up and down as he was sitting on their kitchen table.

“Tell me, kiddo,” Hui said, ceremonious, one too many cups of coffee to keep him alert as he was indulging himself in a break. The bags under his eyes made Yuto yawn. “Who do you think is paying rent here?”

Yuto frowned, confused. Hui pointed to himself and then to Hongseok who was in his room with a boy that Yuto had never seen – he wasn’t very tall, all boyish softness to his face, called Jinho, but that was pretty much the extent of what he gathered about him. He didn’t let his mind wander too much, to be honest, because thinking of Hongseok linked to Hyunggu and truths that Yuto needed to hear another time.

“Hyojong had to step back, because frankly, his new job doesn’t pay much. Hyunggu’s loan is through the fucking roof right now, but he’s too talented to waste it all,” Hui told him. “His dancing gigs and his teaching classes give him a bit of room to breathe, and it brings food on the table and pays a few things, but he also needs to live. So it’s Hongseok and I and we don’t fucking mind because we have money and we’re doing fine and we love them to death.”

This wasn’t really surprising. It actually made a lot of sense. But he didn’t see the point Hui was trying to make and that showed on his face or in his long silence, because his friend sighed, lifting his eyes up to the gods above.

“What I’m saying is that Yanan would surely let you lift foot a tiny little bit. Not completely because I know you, you won’t let him,” Hui explained. “And he has thought about it for a long time but he won’t do it unless you swallow your fears and pride and ask him.”

The idea brewed in his mind, for a good few days actually, until he once dropped it on Yanan as he was shaving, anxiety spilling from his every word. Yanan cut himself and cursed the entire planet, especially Yuto, but every word meant yes, yes you absolute idiot.

  
They reached the apartment, silent and dark, and then Yuto dragged Hyunggu up there, on the roof where all the life and lights were. Hyunggu stayed stunned a few seconds, slowly registering the misspelled congratulations written with balloons – Hui told him that it was Wooseok’s fault, but Shinwon spilled the truth.

“Hui told the kid the exact letters,” Shinwon smirked. “You think Wooseok was going to double check?”

“You’re the first person I’m suing, Shinwon,” Hui yelled out from afar.

Shinwon lifted his glass up. “Le’haim my dude! Hope you actually get a sense of humor and stop using that same old joke one day.”

Hongseok was there, with Jinho, which Yuto got to know a little bit better. Jinho was a vocal trainer, and did busking once a week, and it happened that Hongseok always stopped to hear him when he got back from work. Something told Yuto they were nowhere near to being a couple, and that asking would hurt more than anything. So he kept his mouth tight shut and his curiosity at bay.  
Later, when Hyuna accidentally made Hui fall into a plant, attracting all eyes on them as she laughed so loud, Yuto realized that he hadn’t seen Hongseok and Hyunggu for a good moment. Maybe twenty minutes, at best, because he remembered Hyunggu giving him the tightest hug for no particular reason – none was ever needed. That was a small hit but he, again, said nothing and swallowed whatever wind was against him that night.

Hongseok and Hyunggu came back, both with red puffed eyes. Hyunggu looked around like he was lost in the crowd and it set Yuto’s alarm off. Hyojong was faster than him to close the distance and take Hyunggu in his arms. No one was paying attention, except for Hui and Yuto. Music was still loud as it was not too late right now.  
Yuto watched from where he was as Hui took Hongseok aside, all serious and tired, and Hongseok looked sorry and sad, and then he and Jinho left.

 

In all honesty, when later that night, Hyunggu closed Yuto's bedroom door behind him and kissed him with a need and greed that followed sadness, Yuto wasn't surprised at all. And so he gave in; because he had no time to think of appropriate words but he knew how to kiss and touch and praise Hyunggu.   
Beneath him, Hyunggu was already naked. Yuto left kisses on his mouth, down to his belly and the warm, soft skin of his thighs. Hyunggu was burning hot, almost impossible to touch too long. 

"Yuto," Hyunggu breathed out as Yuto was taking him in his mouth.

Fingers interlocked with his and he looked up to Hyunggu, beautiful under the dim lights of the room, as he went up and down on his cock. The apartment was calm. Yanan and Changgu had gone to Changgu's. Shinwon had taken everyone else home, except for Wooseok who was passed out on the living's room couch.   
There was impatience in Hyunggu's moans he thought, and sure enough, Hyunggu's fingers tugged on his hand. Yuto looked up again and Hyunggu asked for a kiss, and so he did. He stopped and brought his lips down to Hyunggu's. There was more kissing and rubbing, until Hyunggu needed more and he felt it in how he bucked his hips against Yuto's, how he whined and let his fingers travel down to stretch himself.

"I need you, now, please."

In no time, Yuto was buried inside him, Hyunggu's soft cries against his shoulders and lips. It was messy, nowhere near slow and delicate, but it was what Hyunggu was begging for against his skin,  _faster, Yuto, please._ In that sense, this is how Hyunggu needed him to be that night, and it was fine, it was okay, it saved him from trying to speak, saved him from inadequate, clumsy and fragile words. It saved him that much, until they both came and kissed and their moaning of each other's names died down to whispers in the darkness.   
They laid next to one another, panting and exhausted. Yuto itched to close the distance between them - and it wasn’t much, only a finger apart, nothing, really. And although the void made him dizzy, he sensed that Hyunggu needed that space in between them right now.  
The clock on his bedside table showed ten past midnight. He didn’t really feel exhausted. He turned to Hyunggu whose eyes were closed - and god Yuto felt a pang in his chest, a stupid loud voice yelling that he needed to see them right now, the big eyes and big smile of Violet boy. He had so many questions, ones that dug their nails in his flesh, ones that he wished he did not hear. He remembered, all the little lights in Hyunggu's eyes around Hongseok.

“It’s not what you think Yuto,” Hyunggu finally broke the silence, eyes still not there. “I promise you that it’s not. It’s just that goodbyes are hard.”

Yuto said nothing and fell asleep. Something was swelling in the room. It was, and it was close to bursting.

 

Yuto woke up to a presence in his bed and gentle eyes waiting for him to wake up. He got a kiss on the top of his head. Hyunggu raised his hand and stroked his cheek and Yuto knew.

“Please, don’t tell me what you’re going to because Hongseok broke your heart,” he murmured, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible but it was hard when he could taste his own heart blood on the back of his throat.

In Hyunggu’s throat rose a sob, and in his eyes, the glint of sadness.

“I’m so sorry that I took so long,” Hyunggu said. “But I love you, I do. And I've been meaning to tell you for a while.”

Hongseok did not love Hyunggu, that he knew. Hyunggu did not love Hongseok anymore, and that for a few good years now, that he learned. Hyunggu spoke, ashamed, and Yuto couldn’t believe how he never saw what it was.  
Years ago, love had come then left when Hyunggu confronted it and all love told him was that Hongseok’s heart would not let it sit there. It was brutal but it was what it was; common unrequited love. It broke Hyunggu’s heart, but he understood and grieved. He never told Hongseok, because why would he introduce ghosts that only he knew of.  
Still, Hongseok was a first kiss, a first love, first awakenings. So, when Hyunggu agreed on keeping whatever it was between them, it only fed the ghosts. Hongseok was safe and there, always, and it was okay.

“But he isn’t always there,” Yuto said.

Hyunggu smiled, sadly. “No, he isn’t.”

They could have been but never were and it wasn’t a question of compatibility really, because Hyunggu and Hongseok could have worked out. It just never happened. But a first love's ghost was not easy to shake off and there was comfort in this in between that they had because none of them had to love. Hongseok who had never loved and Hyunggu who once did but outgrew it. None of them had to love but both of them held onto known maps that asked nothing of them.  
Or so they thought. Hyunggu surely hurt the most. Because he once ached and wished that Hongseok's hot moans that he drank in would be followed by a confession. So surely, parts of him were still in Hongseok's hands. There was selfishness in both of them. In Hongseok, for blinding his judgement and believing that there was only a mutual hunger for flesh between them now. In Hyunggu, for keeping Hongseok all these years in the only ways he knew of. He thought going abroad would break the habit, give him time to distance himself, but as soon as he came back home, he realized how wrong he had been. All of this happened under their best friends' concerned eyes. If Hui had a more diplomatic approach, Hyojong wasn't one to shy away from confrontation and so he did, multiple times.

"He didn't want you to be collateral damage," Hyunggu confessed. "I didn't want you to be either."

Things did not dramatically changed in him. They did not. He took steps, small steps, towards Yuto until Hongseok didn't feel like all that was in the universe and all Hyunggu deserved. Until there was safe places outside of this past unborn love. Now that Yuto thought about it, he had not seen anything that reminded him of Hongseok's presence on Hyunggu's body for a while.   
When Hyunggu finished talking, a sad hiccup from the few tears he couldn't help but shed in this vulnerable state, Yuto realized that no bubble burst in the room as Hyunggu spoke. The swelling that he felt last night was only Hyunggu's warmth spreading above them. Now he was in, finally, because now he could allow himself to be. 

"I love you and it's alright Hyunggu.”

That was all came to Yuto, right at that moment. _I love you, and it’s alright,_ he understood. Now he knew. _I love you and it’s alright, you said goodbye_ s. Hyunggu started crying again, harder, and Yuto let his sun find shelter in him, breathed in and counted himself lucky that he was one of the very few that knew what the sun smelled of. He kissed what he could, neck and lips and cheeks and lids, until the sun set and he too, went back to sleep.

 

He surprised everyone, including himself, when he contacted his parents a few weeks into his internship, announcing that he found tickets for this summer. He hadn't seen them this elated and relieved in some time and it planted seeds that bloomed in February; he asked Hyunggu if he wanted to come to Japan with him. Hyunggu didn't hear his question at first because Hyojong and Hui were both celebrating their success and as always, their parties were too rowdy. But he heard him the second time.  
Hongseok, who had nothing but kind and supportive eyes on Yuto and Hyunggu, was still with Jinho. In fact, the boy, or man because he was actually older than all of them, was with them enough not to get frightened anymore when Hyunggu fell from the couch in excitement and Wooseok violently shook Yuto's arm because he wanted to come.

He was still taking many steps back whenever he felt he was on the right track. He was still stubborn when it came to accepting help from others but it was okay to fall into old habits, sometimes. He was still learning. Hyunggu and Yanan and all of his friends were there, and they all missed many steps as well, but it was alright. They were all getting there.

Hyunggu was a million things. A hot sharp blade at times, a hearth in winters, a candle light in the nights, a kind and forgiving spring sun. It made sense as to why he loved his complementary color so much. If anyone revealed to him that Hyunggu was in fact the sun that once shrunk himself to be closer to the ones that needed him the most to thrive, Yuto would have believed them. That was Hyunggu’s doom, perhaps, thinking that consuming himself was the only way to be loved. And so Yuto took it upon himself to show him that he needed no pieces of Hyunggu to possess in order to love him whole.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is a little gift from me to you, dear Universe.  
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read. If you're commenting as well, come get your hugs!
> 
> If you're curious about what i listened to while writing this, i'm sharing my little playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/11168088168/playlist/2wVEKQIWRgRDojwToKCORD?si=CqiUjvpcRTKrv7okK0M8Mg). 
> 
>  
> 
> my uni twitter acc: [@PlNKINO](https://twitter.com/PlNKINO) or you can find me [@cinnamomroIl](https://twitter.com/cinnamomroIl).  
> my cc too [here](https://curiouscat.me/PlNKINO)
> 
>    
> again, thank you for reading this and i'm terribly sorry that it was so, so long ??
> 
> ♡♡


End file.
